


Figuring It Out

by DearEvanHansen, emid11



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Adding more tags but I dont want to spoil, Alternate Universe, Connor is still sad though, Dancer Connor, Deh - Freeform, Evan Hansen - Freeform, F/F, F/M, Heidi Hansen - Freeform, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, Jewish Evan, Jewish Jared too, Librarian Connor, Librarian Connor Murphy, M/M, Page Connor, Popular Connor AU, Popular Connor Murphy, Tree Bros, alana beck - Freeform, because connor loves to read lol, connor Murphy - Freeform, connor is a dancer, cynthia Murphy - Freeform, larry Murphy - Freeform, wild i know
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-03
Updated: 2018-03-04
Packaged: 2019-02-10 03:51:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 20,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12903399
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DearEvanHansen/pseuds/DearEvanHansen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/emid11/pseuds/emid11
Summary: Evan Hansen is just trying to understand how this all happened. Connor Murphy, the kid that threw a printer at his second-grade teacher, is the captain of the varsity basketball team. Connor Murphy, the kid that would spend lunch in the library reading everyday, has tons of friends that invite him to parties every weekend. Connor Murphy, the kid that played the saxophone in jazz band, is making out with pretty girls in the bathroom. Connor Murphy, the kid that even Evan felt sorry for, is living the dream that Evan always dreamed of living.Evan Hansen doesn't understand Connor Murphy.Or, so he thought.





	1. Pretty Boy, Connor Murphy

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This is my first story. Will it be cringey and bad? Absolutely. But the only way to get better is to keep practicing, right?
> 
> Anyways, this will start in junior year of high school. None of the stuff with the letters or anything happened (obviously). Also, Evan and Jared are Jewish (because I love the representation). FYI: I am not Jewish, but I've done some research about the things that I will be incorporating into the story. Let me know if I mess anyhting up and I will fix it!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy my first fanfiction! Please, leave constructive comments for me, I want to get better!

Evan scanned the cafeteria for Jared. He promised Evan he would sit with him today instead of hiding in the computer lab for the entire period. As Evan stood there for a solid ten seconds, he became acutely aware of how awkward he must look just standing there, looking around like he had no friends. Evan’s hands started to sweat. He hurriedly wiped them on his pants and started to panic because what if his hands became so sweaty that he would lose his grip in his lunch tray and then he would drop it in front of everyone and everyone would stare at him and laugh and then he would never be able to go back to school because every time he would go into the cafeteria people would dump their lunch on him and blame it on their “sweaty hands” and then laugh as Evan would be covered in gross mashed potatoes all because he couldn’t find Jared freaking Kleinman--

“Dude, sorry, I was finishing up a physics lab,” he heard from behind him. He turned around and saw Jared jogging up to him. Jared’s face immediately twisted when he saw Evan’s, “Bro, why do you look like you’re about to have a breakdown?” Evan hadn’t even realized how upset he had gotten, but now he could feel the tears burning his eyes, threatening to escape at any moment. His face was a blotchy red color and his legs were visibly shaking.

“I, I didn’t--I didn’t kn-know if, if you-,” he stuttered. He shook his head a took a deep breath to compose himself, “I-I didn’t know if y-you were here, or-or if you dit-ditched me.” Jared’s face turned into a sad smile as he patted Evan on the shoulder. 

“Evan, I know I was a dick last year to you, but I wouldn’t ditch you. My parent’s would stop paying for my car insurance.” Evan laughed at his joke and nodded, wiping his nose on the sleeve of his jacket. “Now, I’m pretty damn hungry, so let’s eat some lunch,” Jared said, taking off towards an empty table near the back of the room. Evan followed hastily behind him, making sure to keep his head down so people wouldn’t see his puffy, red face. 

\-----

“Uh, there is no way I’m going to this barmitzvah alone,” Jared said, muffled by the sandwich that he was eating.

Evan rolled his eyes, “He’s your cousin.”

 

“That doesn’t mean I want to be alone with him and my fucked up family! Please, Evan? You got invited, you have to go. It’s Jewish code!” Jared basically screamed.

Evan made a face and shushed him. He shook his head, “It is not Jewish code.”

“It’s… It’s Bro code.”

Evan rolled his eyes again, but smiled at Jared’s pouting. “I’ll think about it,”  
Jared smacked him angrily, and yelled about how he can’t believe his best friend is ditching him. Evan smacked him back, “It’s not for another couple months. Your cousin hasn’t even sent the invites yet! We have time to figure it out okay? Jeez.” Jared smiled. Seeming content with that answer, he continued to devour his sandwich. Evan sighed and looked around the lunchroom. His eyes skipped from table to table before landing on the one that sat a bunch of guys wearing lettermen jackets. Rowdy and obnoxious, they were yelling and throwing food at one another. One boy even touched this girl’s butt that was walking by. 

Evan heard Jared scoff beside him, “Fucking morons. I would bet you not a single one can do ninth grade math.” Evan shrugged and scanned the table. The boys all looked exactly alike--hair that was long enough to part to one side, but not longer than their ears. They all looked super ripped and Evan looked down at his own body and grimaced. While Evan and Jared stared at the boys, one of them gave a wolf whistle and yelled a gross, “Damn baby!” at a girl walking by. The girl scowled, but rushed away from them without saying a word. Evan heard Jared say something along the lines of, “ugh, straight dudes.” The entire table of boys were laughing.

Except for one.

There he was, sitting back in his chair, looking unamused--maybe even disgusted--at his friend’s actions. He rolled his bright blue eyes and started picking at his fingernails. Evan saw that they were painted black, and for some reason, this made him smile. The boy was not wearing a letterman jacket, but a simple black v-neck and grey jeans. And his hair, Evan thought, looked… beautiful? Majestic? No, that was weird, he thought as he cringed at himself. But it looked really nice to Evan. Brown, shoulder length and curly, it looked like hair a model would have. The boy’s physique also wasn’t like the other boy’s. He was pretty tall and very slender. He kind of looked like he would break if someone even blinked in his direction. His face was nothing less than handsome to Evan. The boy was nothing less than handsome to Evan. Evan was so invested in analyzing him, he didn’t even realize that he had been staring until Jared grabbed his shoulder and shook him awake.

“Bro, stop making love eyes at Connor Murphy.” Evan’s face went hot and he tried to stutter out an excuse about how he wasn’t staring. Jared just shook his head and chuckled, “Don’t even try to tell me you weren’t. I mean, you were drooling all over yourself.”

“I-I was not! St-Stop laughing Jared!” Evan sputtered out.

“Evan, don’t be ashamed. Connor Murphy is a pretty boy. Hell, I’d tap that.”

Evan felt a twang in his heart and he scowled at Jared, “He’s straight.”

“Not after one night with me,” Jared smirked as he winked at Evan. Evan bit back a giggle.

“Gross,” he playfully shoved Jared’s shoulder. They both laughed and trained their eyes on Connor. They were both staring at him when Connor looked up and met eyes with Evan. Evan’s breath hitched and he could feel the blood rushing in his body. Connor didn’t break eye contact, so Evan did. 

“Holy shit,” Jared mumbled and he immediately turned towards the table, looking down at his unfinished food. Evan glanced back and saw that the group of boys at the table had gotten up and were walking towards… Oh no.

Evan’s hands began to shake as he realized they were walking towards him and Jared.


	2. Burning and Butterflies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why was Connor Murphy, the kid who had never held a conversation that was more than two sentences long with Evan, being so nice to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Update time! I really hope you like this chapter, I was trying out some different language styles, descriptions, and spacing. Let me know how you like it!
> 
> Read the end notes, I want some specific feedback from you all!
> 
> WARNING: HOMOPHOBIC LANGUAGE

Evan’s eyes immediately fixated on his hands resting in his lap. He prayed that the group of boys would just pass him and Jared up. He hoped that maybe they would just come over here, take his sandwich, and leave.

They did not do that.

“What’s up fags?” a voice said as a large hand slammed on the table, making the surface shake under the force that was exerted. Evan instinctively let out a scared whimper, and he heard Jared inhale heavily. The two boys said nothing. The guy, who Evan recognized as Derek Gates, chuckled and grabbed the back of Evan’s chair, yanking it out so that Evan was facing him. Derek got close to Evan’s face, only inches away from each other, and smiled at him, making Evan shake even harder than he already was. He could feel the anxiety coursing through him, filling his entire body with panic. Derek’s hot breath on his face made him sweat and he wondered if it was possible for a human to combust on will.

Derek said in a low, calm voice, “I’m talking to you, Hansen.” Evan refused to make eye contact, instead trying to focus on the small lines that detailed his hands. Derek got a little bit closer to him. Anticipating a hit, Evan closed his eyes tight and tried to imagine he was somewhere, anywhere, other than there. 

But, nothing happened. No hit. Not even a shove. Evan thought, maybe they had gotten bored with him. 

Evan heard the boy's shift their weight from one foot to another, before he felt his backpack being torn off his body.

His eyes shot open and he instinctively screamed, “S-STOP!” Jared was sitting across from him, two large seniors on either side of him, giving Evan the most heartbroken look. A look Evan could only read as a ‘You’re going to die and I’m going to witness it’. Derek began to throw Evan’s things out of his bag, examining each item before discarding it to the floor. Evan began to feel the volcano that was his emotions bubbling up inside of him, stewing at the top. 

Any second now, he’d have a breakdown.

Evan wasn’t even scared of them. 

Actually, that was a lie. He was terrified. But, he was more terrified at what the other people were thinking. He hated the attention; that was the worst part of this whole scenario. What if this somehow gets back to his mom? Oh god, Evan couldn’t even imagine what his mom would do. She’d make a huge deal out of it, maybe even take it into legal hands. Then what? Evan would be known as the kid who got Derek Gates and all of his friends suspended? Expelled? Put in jail? He can already hear the comments about him being a pansy loser who can’t take a little teasing. And what if Derek and his friends develop some sort of personal vendetta against him? Then what? He would die because he couldn’t buck up for five minutes and deal with the shouting and name calling?

“Hey, dick head!” Jared suddenly quipped at Derek, awakening Evan from his daze once again. Evan knew immediately what Jared was trying to do. Jared knew Evan well enough to know that he was panicking, and Evan knew Jared well enough to know that he was just trying to get Derek’s attention away from Evan. But Derek ignored Jared, continuing to rake through Evan’s backpack.

Derek raked through his bag for what felt like hours to Evan. Derek tsked at how unamusing this was. He was going to set Evan’s bag down. Evan let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

Then, Derek’s eyes lit up at the sight of a couple of papers that fell from Evan’s folder. “What is this, Hansen?” he asked, holding up the sheet. Evan couldn’t see what it was, his eyes too bleary and blurred from his weak attempts to stop himself from crying. But when Derek started reading it aloud, Evan’s heart sunk into his stomach, pushing his lunch back up into his throat.

“Dear Evan Hansen,” Derek said, smirking at Evan’s horrified expression, “today is going to be a good day and here’s why… Who wrote this to you? Your fucking homo boyfriend?” Evan could only make stuttering sounds, not even able to annunciate full words. 

Derek scanned down the paper and then paused. “This… This isn’t a letter from somebody else…” his eyes lit up again, like he hit the jackpot for a second time that day, “This is a letter you wrote to yourself, isn’t it?” Evan lip quivered and he could feel his ribs tightening against his lungs, constricting his breathing even more. “Oh my fucking god, you’re so fucking pathetic!” 

Derek and his henchmen couldn’t stop laughing. 

Their laughter filled every pore of Evan’s being, rattling his bones and shaking his brain. 

His brain. 

His brain was moving so fast he couldn’t even decipher the emotions he was feeling. Sad? Mortified? Embarrassed? It was all too much: he felt dizzy. He looked at Jared and focused on the edge of his glasses, trying to make sense of the situation that was at hand.

“D-Der-Derek-” Evan tried to plead, but he was cut off by a lump in his throat, acting as a barrier against his cries for mercy.

“I don’t even need to finish reading this to know what the rest of it says!” Derek bellowed, crumpling the letter into a ball and throwing it onto Evan’s lap. “‘Dear Evan Hansen, today my fag boyfriend Jared Kleinman bent me over and put his dick into my ass! I’m such a homo, I wish I could blow every guy in this school!’” Derek’s friends laughed even louder at his cringey, juvenile comments. Evan could feel hot tears running down his face now, but he didn’t even care. All he wanted was to just make everything go away. He wanted to open and close his eyes until woke up in his bedroom. He wanted for all of this to be a bad dream. He wanted for everything to just stop, to make everyone disappear.

Make himself disappear.

He didn’t understand why they chose him? Why, out of the seven billion people in the world, did Derek Gates decide that Evan Hansen was the one to be tormented? 

It made Evan think, maybe he deserves it. 

He probably deserves it.

Evan buried his face into his hands and tried to stop himself from sobbing. His hands were jerked away from him and he was staring into the menacing eyes of Derek. 

“Are you crying? Are you actually fucking crying Hansen? That’s even more pathetic than your creepy sex letters to yourself.” Evan tried to regain his composure, but it only made things worse. His breath was shaky and ragged, it sounded more like he was having an asthma attack than a panic attack. Derek scoffed at Evan’s breakdown. “You know what? Maybe I should give you and your boyfriend a real reason to cry,” Derek said, shoving Evan off his chair onto the ground. A shock of pain went through Evan’s hip, having smacked it against the tile.

Evan knew what was going to happen next. Covering his head, he tried to shelter himself from the attack that was going to ensue. 

But, before the kicks and punches could come, he hears a voice call out, “DEREK!” 

Evan lifted his head to see what was happening. 

Connor Murphy was standing in front of Derek, towering over him by a solid six inches. 

“Do you really want to get suspended for a third time… This year? At this rate, dumbass, you won’t be able to graduate high school. They’ll have you expelled before you can even find a job at McDonald’s,” Connor sneered at Derek, trying to size him up. Connor may be taller than him, but Derek was bigger, stronger, more muscular. If he wanted, Derek could probably break every bone in Connor’s body. But Derek seemed stopped in his tracks.

When he realized what Connor had just said, his eyes lit up like an inferno. Evan could tell that Connor probably didn’t use the best choice of wording. Derek stepped closer to Connor, trying to intimidate him. But Connor held his ground, not even flinching at Derek’s power move. Evan noticed that Connor’s eyes held an inferno too. But Connor’s inferno was bigger, more menacing than Derek’s. 

Derek’s inferno could burn somebody. It’s burned Evan before, but Connor’s… 

Connor’s could devastate an entire city.

“Why are you picking their side, huh?” Derek asked, a wicked smile growing on his face, “You’re not… You’re not a fag too, are you Murphy?”

Connor’s face went blank at this statement. The blaze he once held in his eyes momentarily extinguished. Then, Evan saw him lock his jaw and that fire was back. It was so hot, Evan thought he was sweating harder because of it.

“If I was, your girlfriend wouldn’t have had such a good time with me last night,” Connor retorted, his voice laced with malice. But, he said it in such a calm, cool way, that Evan wasn’t sure if he meant it or not. 

Derek was speechless for a second. Evan thought that this was the moment Derek would blow up-- burst into flames on the spot. 

Then a grin erupted on his face and that fire in him seemed to have disappeared. Derek playfully shoved his shoulder and commented, “Asshole.”

Connor let his face soften and he closed his eyes sighing, “Will you please, just, leave them alone?”

Derek rolled his eyes, but nodded anyways. He gave Evan and Jared one last ‘loser’ comment before the entire pack of boys started to walk away. Connor looked relieved at that. But, he also looked scared, and Evan could see that his hands were shaking. Probably from clenching them so hard, he thought. As Connor’s ‘friends’ exited the cafeteria, one of the boys at the back of the group yelled to Connor, “Hey, you coming, or what?”

“Yeah, I’m just gonna get my bag.” The guy nodded and jogged out of the room, catching up with his buddies. Connor turned to Evan and then to Jared.

“You two okay?”

Evan didn’t reply. Jared just looked at Connor, relief evident on his face and nodded, bending down next to Evan.

“Ev, Nurse or no?”

Evan still had a lump in his throat the size of a basketball, so he just shook his head no. He was so invested in the exchange between Derek and Connor, he had calmed himself down a lot. Evan sniffed a little and put a shaky had to his eye, wiping away the wetness that had accumulated. Evan looked up at Connor and his heart did an aerial in his chest. He saw the world dissolve away around them, it was only them. 

And Evan wanted to just hold him. Thank him.

And he didn’t know why, but he felt a small pang in his chest knowing that Connor Murphy probably only saved him because he knew how pathetic Evan was.

“Evan?” Connor asked. Evan blinked and he was back in reality. Shakily, he stood up and was embarrassed of what he was thinking about Connor earlier. He feared that Connor had figured out that he had been thinking about him. Evan’s face probably had “hey, my friend and I were talking about how hot you are” written all over it.

What if Connor got grossed out and decided that he wasn’t worth the protection? 

Before Evan’s breathing became any shallower, Connor rested a gentle hand on his shoulder. It was warm and delicate. Connor was touching Evan like he was made of glass.

Evan didn’t mind.

“Will you be okay?”

Evan wanted to say thank you a million times over, say that he truly appreciated that Connor took the time to help Evan and Jared out. He also wanted to apologize for thinking about him, because he knew that it was wrong and creepy. But the words got caught in his throat. As hard as he tried to force them out, all that was said was a meek “yes” and “thank you so much”. 

And Connor did something Evan didn’t expect.

He smiled at Evan, giving him a side hug. Evan felt his body burn where Connor touched him. He had never been this affectionate with another person besides his mom and Jared. Evan smiled and patted Connor’s back. Connor let go and stepped away, and Evan was resentful to comply. 

He kind of wished Connor had his arm around him for a little bit longer. 

As Connor started to walk over to his bag, he looked back at Evan and Jared, “If you ever need my help again, let me know, yeah?” Evan and Jared nodded and gave a final thank you. As Connor turned away from them, Evan felt sick from all the emotions he was feeling. With a stomach ache and a dizzy brain, he and Jared made their way to their next class (considerably late) in silence. While they were walking, Evan was just trying to comprehend one thing.

Why was Connor Murphy, the kid who had never held a conversation that was more than two sentences long with Evan, being so nice to him?

 

Evan did his best to figure it out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like it? How do you like Connor's character? What did you think of Derek? What can I improve upon? Let me know what you think! Do you have any predictions of what is going to happen? I know it's a little early, but I'm curious to see where you guys think this story is going to go! 
> 
> Also, thank you so so much for over 200 READS! That is absolutely amazing and I love every single person that reads, kudos, and comments. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
> 
> MUCH LOVE


	3. The Catcher in the Rye

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan felt like he was in a movie, or a dream. Because this wouldn’t happen in real life. 
> 
> Not to Evan Hansen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello friends! First things first: THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH FOR OVER 500 HITS AND ALMOST 80 KUDOS! It means the world to me that you all are enjoying my story! Please, continure to let me know what you do and don't like so I can continue making you happy with my writing.
> 
> Secondly, I am super sorry for the late update! I had finals this week and was unable to write anyhting. But, now I'm on break for a couple weeks so expect more updates!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this chapter, I love and appreciate every single one of you! Read the end notes for some questions that I want you to answer.

It had been a week since Connor Murphy helped Evan.

And it was all Evan could really think about.

Yeah, maybe Evan did have a little bit of a crush on Connor. But he’s had crushes on people before. He even had a little bit of a crush on Zoe Murphy. 

But, that isn’t the only reason he was thinking about Connor.

He thought he maybe could, possibly be his friend. I mean, Connor stood up to one of his friends to help Evan, would that not constitute him as a friend?

Connor isn’t your friend, Evan, he had to remind himself. He was only being nice, he’s a good person. But Evan could not help but notice when Connor would look at him in the hallway or in class. It was never more than a glance or a nod in his direction. But, it was something.

It was everything to Evan.

To have more than one friend was something Evan wanted ever since he stopped getting invited to birthday parties in the 2nd grade. He wanted to have more than Jared as a friend ever since he was too scared to eat alone at lunch, so instead he skipped and hung out in the computer lab. 

Evan just wanted someone else in his life. Maybe Connor would be that someone. 

Unlikely, Evan thought.

\---

He was sitting in his seat in English, Mr. Pierce was sending back a rubric for a project he had yet to explain. 

“This quarter we’ll be reading The Catcher in the Rye, and you will be pairing up with a partner to read, analyze, and eventually create a powerpoint about the book,” he said. At the mention of partners, everyone’s faces lit up…

Except for Evan’s.

“Will you be picking partners?” a kid yelled out. Evan didn’t know what was worse, Mr. PIerce setting him up with a complete stranger who would probably thinks he’s a freak that sweats a lot and then they won’t be able to work together because Evan would be too sweaty and scared to speak and so they would both fail the project and probably the course and it would be all Evan’s fault. 

Or him having to tell Mr. Pierce that he had no friends and therefore could not work with anybody in the class and Mr. Pierce would call his mom out of concern but of course his mom already knew about his anxiety but maybe this would be the last straw and she would decide that Evan is too much to handle and she would ship him away to some mental hospital in California far away from her.

Evan was getting dizzy from all this thinking.

“You will choose your own. I will be giving you until tomorrow to figure it out, then we’ll start off class by telling me who your partner is.” Everyone started to excitedly get up and talk to each other to find out who is being paired up with who. Evan helplessly looked around the room to see if anyone looked like they would be interested in being his partner.

Of course, no one was.

He turned his head to face the side. Two rows away from him, Connor was sitting at his desk. A girl that Evan had seen around him a lot was sitting on his desk. Her eyes were full of seduction. She gave him a sultry smile and started stroking his arm, saying something Evan couldn’t hear. At her words, Connor raised his eyebrows and gave her a smirk, grabbing her hand and leaning close to her ear. Evan’s throat grew tighter as he watched the two giggle and touch each other.

Evan had hoped maybe Connor would have wanted to work with him.

Evan really needed to stop hoping. 

Instead of breaking down there and then, Evan just focused on writing out a list of reasons why tomorrow is going to be a better day. It didn’t really help. But it prevented him from having a meltdown during class. Plus his therapist will be happy to know that he’s trying his coping methods.

So, at the end of class, Evan packed up slowly, watching the rest of the kids file out of the room. When Evan saw Connor snake his arm around the girls waist and pull her closer, he shakily got up and walked to his next class, wiping away the wetness in his eyes.

\---

“Ev, what are you doing?” he heard from behind him. He turned around to face his mom, who was in the doorway. Evan looked around his room, books skewd everywhere. He hadn’t realized he had made such a mess.

“I was just trying to find a, uh, a book for school,” Evan mumbled, “I could have sworn I had it somewhere.”

“Why don’t you go to the library?” his mom suggested, a huge smile plastered on her face. Evan must have given her an ‘are you joking?’ look because her face dropped into a somewhat concerned frown. “Evan, they have self-checkouts now. You won’t even have to interact with anybody.” Evan gave an exasperated groan, putting his head in his hands. His mom sat on his bed with him and rubbed his arm. “Evan, please. Dr. Alvarez will be proud if you went and did this, you need to help yourself.”

Evan sighed, trying to plead with her, “Can’t you just, just buy the book?”

Evan’s mom gave a lopsided smile, “I can, but it would save time and money if you went to the library. I can drop you off on my way to work, and I’m sure Jared can give you a ride back.”

Evan was hesitant, but eventually nodded. His mom gave him a big kiss on his cheek, “I am so proud of you. Go put your shoes on and we’ll head out!” Evan gave his mom an unenthusiastic ‘yay’ as she headed out of the room. A million thoughts were running through his mind as he texted Jared, asking him if he can drive him home. Evan slipped on his off-brand converse and went out to the living room to see his mom on the phone. She had hung up, so Evan didn’t know what she was talking about, but she seemed upset. Her eyebrows were knitted together and she was rubbing her face.

“You okay?”

His mom looked startled, she immediately replaced her frown with a fake smile, “I’m fine honey. Will leftover Chinese be okay for dinner tonight?” Evan nodded and she looked relieved, pulling him into a hug, “I love you, Ev.”

 

“I love you too, mom.”

She let go and took his hand, leading him to the car.

\---

On their drive there, Evan didn’t say a word. He kept repeating in his mind what he was going to do. First, he would find the book by himself. Then, if anybody asked him if he needed help he would only shake his head and not say anything, because if he did he would either start rambling or crying. After he finds the book, he will go to the self-checkout and checkout the book. Then, he will walk outside and wait for Jared. 

It would bring the least attention to him as possible.

It’s not that hard, Evan. You can do this, you’ll be fine. It’s fine, Evan thought to himself as his mom pulled up to the front of the library, Stop overthinking for once. She grabbed her library card out of her purse and handed it to him. 

She leaned over and kissed him on the forehead, “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay sweetie?” Evan nodded and mumbled a ‘love you’ and got out. He watched as his mom drove away. Turning towards the library, he took one deep breath and walked in. A blast of hot air hit his face and made it harder to breath. Evan tried to swallow the lump in his throat as he headed towards the area labeled “Teens” in the back of the library. When he arrived at the section, he was thankful to see a shelf labeled “Classics”. He found The Catcher in the Rye very quickly, and a thought entered his mind. This is going to well. Something is going to go wrong, you’re going to mess something up. Evan did his best to shake the thought as he headed to the front. Of course, there was a couple people waiting for the self-checkout and Evan’s heart rate increased a little. He decided to find a seat in the back to wait for the people to disperse. He opened up the book and started to reading, trying to distract him from his anxious thoughts running through his head.

Just as he was finishing the third page, he was already somewhat enamored by Holden’s character and he was kind of interested in the story he was about to tell. He heard someone clear their throat, Evan looked up and his body went numb from the person he saw standing there.

“Hey, Evan,” Connor Murphy said, giving Evan a small smile. Evan’s breath got caught in his throat when he saw him standing there, towering over him, actually talking to him. Connor was wearing a dark green sweater, black jeans, and his combat boots Evan noticed he wore everyday. Evan gave Connor a weird, closed mouth smile that looked like Evan was in pain. “I see that you’ve gotten the book for Mr. P’s class.” Evan only nodded looking behind Connor to see a cart of books right behind him.

“D-Do you, do you wor-work here?” Evan asked, feeling his neck get hot. Connor looked at his shoes and gave them a small smile.

“Uh, yeah. I like to read, sometimes, so…” Connor rubbed the back of his neck. Evan gave a small, nervous laugh. 

He looked to see Connor’s face change, he looked hurt. Good job, Evan, Evan thought, You hurt his feelings because you have no clue on how to act when having regular conversations. 

Evan immediately started apologizing, “Oh, oh god. I-I’m so sorry I-I wasn’t laughing a-at you. I, um, I-I-I just laug-h when I’m nervous…”

Connor shook his head, “No don’t be sorry…”

They both sat in awkward silence for a long ten seconds, and all Evan could think of was, I messed it up, I messed it up, I messed it up. 

Finally Connor spoke, “Um, do, do you want me to checkout that book for you?” Evan, surprised that Connor hadn’t left him alone in disgust, nodded.

“I, um, Thank you.”

“It’s no problem, wait here, yeah?” Connor gently took the book from Evan’s hand and turned around, pushing his cart and taking the book to the front. Evan smiled to himself, and he pulled out his phone. He noted that Jared was five minutes away and his mom texted him asking if he was okay. He responded back to both of them and looked up to see Connor walking towards him. Evan got up and walked over to him, taking the book from his outstretched hand. 

“Thanks again,” Evan said, looking down at his shoes because he knew his face was getting red. Connor smelled like vanilla and it made Evan’s hands sweat and his face get even redder because he can’t believe he’s talking to Connor Murphy and he can’t believe that he’s standing so close to him that he can smell him. His face got even hotter because he can’t believe he’s thinking about what Connor Murphy smells like. Connor was a head taller than Evan, so he had to look up to make eye contact with him. 

“Yeah, no problem, Evan.”

They stand there in silence again.

“Well, it was, um, nice seeing y-you,” Evan said as he started heading towards the entrance. 

“Wait!” Evan stopped. Connor stood there, his ears a little red, shifting his weight from foot to another. “Um, so, for the, uh project, for Mr. Pierce’s class, would you, maybe, wanna work with me?” 

Evan was shocked. He had to process the information for a second before quickly saying, “O-h, yeah. Yes! Um, thank you.”

 

“You say thank you a lot,” Connor chuckled, “We’ll tell Mr. Pierce tomorrow, okay?” Evan nodded, his whole body filling with joy. “Cool, I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“See you tomorrow,” Evan said quietly, as Connor grabbed another cart of books and rolled them away. He turned on his heels and walked out of the door, his whole body feeling light. He was so excited, he hadn’t even noticed that he had the biggest, most goofiest grin on his face. When he was outside, he saw that a receipt was sticking out of the top of the book. He pulled it out and at the bottom there was a number written in sloppy, small handwriting. He looked and there was a note after the number that read “text me- Connor”.

Evan felt like he was in a movie, or a dream. Because this wouldn’t happen in real life. 

Not to Evan Hansen. 

He bit his lip and put the receipt carefully back into the book. He spotted Jared’s car across the parking lot and for once in his life-- 

He felt like he had figured one thing out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ending on a good note! How did you like this chapter? We got to learn more about Connor! Who do you think the girl is? His girfriend, wannabe girlfriend? Also, Heidi is in this chapter! What do you think she's upset about? 
> 
> Let me know what you did and did not like about this chapter!
> 
> HAPPY HOLIDAYS, FOLKS!
> 
> MUCH LOVE


	4. Partners

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan wanted to tell him that he liked his nails, that it made him look really cool and handsome.
> 
> But, Evan figured it probably wasn’t a good time for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: HOMOPHOBIC SLUR
> 
> Hello! Thank you all so much for 800 reads and 100 Kudos!! I am so happy with all the feedback I'm getting, so please keep sending it in! I don't know how to feel about this chapter, it's sort of a filler. Let me know what you think. 
> 
> Also, since I use Google for writing, my formatting gets kind of messed up (no bolds or itallics), so just be aware that some things may look weird format wise.
> 
> Read the end notes and announcements.

“I still can’t fucking believe this, Evan,” Jared said, stuffing reheated chow mein into his mouth. Evan had told Jared immediately that Connor had given him his number. The both of them had talked about it the entire way home, and now Jared and him were sitting on his bed eating leftover Chinese takeout. Evan nodded, chewing his food and smiling at Jared. “I mean, does this make you popular by association?” This made Evan choke on his noodles.

“Jared, it’s just for a school project, Jesus…” Evan chuckled, but he smiled at the idea of him being popular. He couldn’t even imagine himself doing what Connor does, partying and drinking and hanging out with new people everyday. The very thought made him laugh. But, he also felt a twinge of pain in his heart when he looked at his reality of eating takeout with his mom every weekend.

“Good, because I don’t need you running off and leaving me behind,” Jared said, trying to play it off as a joke. His voice cracked and he immediately turned a shade of pink after he had said it. Evan knew it was a fear of his.

“Jared, you know I would never…”

“Yeah, I know, dude. I mean, we are family friends, you technically can’t leave me,” Jared said, shoving more noodles in his mouth. Evan smiled at his friend of 16 years, trying to imagine his life without him, and he couldn’t. Jared has been there for him for, well, ever. Even when Jared stopped talking to Evan last year, he was still very much in his life. “Hey, how about you text Connor right now.”

 

Evan immediately started to shake his head, “No-”

“Come on Ev! I’ll be your supervisor, making sure you don’t fuck it up with your self-doubt.”

Evan rolled his eyes, “Rude.”

“If you don’t, I will,” Jared said, reaching for Evan’s phone. Evan immediately grabbed it and shoved his hand away.

“NO! No, no,” Evan groaned and looked at Jared. Evan knew he wouldn’t change his mind, “Fine, fine. I’ll text him.” Jared grinned and slid right next to Evan so he could look over his shoulder. Evan glared at him and entered the number on the receipt into the phone. His heart began to pick up it’s pace when he began typing his message.

“Do I… Do I just say ‘Hi’?”

“Say, ‘Hey, it’s Evan’. And DON’T get anxious about it, it’s a simple text. Nothing is going to go wrong” 

So, that’s what Evan did. He sent the text and did his best to push intrusive thoughts aside. 

Jared always knew what Evan was thinking and he tried to help. Evan appreciated it, but Jared didn’t understand Evan’s brain.

I mean, it’s not like Evan did either.

Evan He put his phone and took a deep breath. It wasn’t that bad, he thought to himself. 

“See, Ev? You’re fine,” Jared said with a smile as he held up his phone. A new message from Connor was on the screen already.

Evan grinned at Jared. He didn’t know if he’s ever felt this elated before in his life.

\---

Evan was at his locker when Connor came up to him. He surprised Evan with his presence, eliciting a soft yelp from the tinier boy.

“Hey,” Connor said, clearly trying to hold back a chuckle at Evan’s jumpy behavior.

Evan hesitated, he thought maybe Connor was there to tell him that he regretted his decision to be his partner. Oh god, Evan thought, maybe he was there to make fun of him, tell him that it was all a joke and that he can’t believe a loser like him would even believe that someone would be his friend. 

“You alright?” Connor asked, brushing his hand against Evan’s jacket, almost as if he wanted to touch him, but was scared to. Evan stared at him, unable to conjure any words. “I just… thought we could, like, walk to class? Together?” Connor rubbed the back of his neck and raised his eyebrows at Evan.

Evan smiled and gripped the straps of his bag tighter. Relief coursed through him like a river, the anxiety building up in his chest deflated a little, “Oh, yeah. Yeah, definitely.”

And so that’s what they did.

\---

Upon arriving in the classroom, Connor immediately went up to Mr. Pierce and told him that he was partnering with Evan. Evan just stood there, playing with his jacket sleeves, trying not to smile because he smiles a lot when he’s around Connor and what if Connor notices and realizes Evan has a crush on him and he gets weirded out and then never speaks to him again.

Evan tried pushing the thoughts out of his head and the feelings out of his stomach.

When Connor turned around he told Evan that he should sit by him from now on. Evan just nodded and followed him over to Connor’s usual desk and sat in the one to the right of it. 

They sat in silence waiting for the bell to ring, and Evan so badly wanted to make conversation with Connor, but he had no idea of what to say. What does Connor even like? Books, obviously. Basketball, he was the captain of the team. But Evan couldn’t tell you a single fact about basketball. He liked to party, but Evan had no idea how to make conversation with that subject. Maybe he likes video games? Evan plays with Jared a lot, although, he isn’t very good at them.

Lost in thought, Evan hadn’t realized that the same girl that Connor was with the other day was staring at the two of them. 

“Uh, Earth to Connor?” She said, breaking both Evan and Connor out of their trances. When he looked at Connor, he was staring at him. Evan’s face got hot at the realization and turned his head to his right.

He saw what Connor was actually staring at. 

A group of girls congregated just past Evan. Evan was kind of disappointed that it wasn’t him Connor was fixated on.

Evan looked back over to the girl, now sitting on Connor’s desk. “I went to tell Mr. Pierce that we were partners for this dumb project, and he told me you already had one?” She said, feigning a smile. Despite smiling and stroking Connor’s arm, she was obviously angry. Her fists and jaw were clenched. 

“That’s because I do have one,” he said back to her with an irritated look. He glanced over at Evan and Evan looked away. She must have caught on.

“Seriously,” she said laughing humorlessly, “You’re gonna work with him instead of me?”

Connor sat silent for a moment. Evan feared that maybe he would think she was right. 

“I’m sorry, Madelyn, but I want to get a good grade on this project. I don’t want to go over one another’s houses and screw around for a couple hours instead of doing work. We do that enough as it is. But, I know all that you’re interested in is fucking me, so I decided to choose a partner that will actually help with something other than getting me off.” Connor’s eyes were firey and hot, his lips curled into a mean smirk. He knew he words had hurt her. Evan could tell that he was happy that they did. Madelyn looked shocked. But, as quickly as she was taken aback, she had composed herself.

“Go fuck yourself, Murphy,” she said cooly. Before she walked away, she added, “And lose the nail polish. You look like a faggot.” She strutted away, swaying her hips a little too excessively in the process. Evan glanced over at Connor. He must not have been expecting her retort because he was staring straight ahead, his jaw clenched, ears burning red. He looked like he was about to put his fist through the desk. Evan looked at Connor’s hands and saw that he was chipping away some of the black polish that coated his thumb. 

Evan wanted to tell him that he liked his nails, that it made him look really cool and handsome.

But, Evan figured it probably wasn’t a good time for that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How did you like the chapter? I know, nothing too exciting, but it needed to be put in. What do you think about Madelyn? She may show up in future chapters ;) 
> 
> Any theories on what's going to happen? Any critiques?
> 
> We're going to be getting into some good parts coming up here soon, so bare with me! Also, if anyone is an artist and wants to draw anything from the story, please feel free to! I would love to see your work, so comment or message me if you do make any art! Again, thank you for all the positive feedback, keep letting me know what you like and don't like!
> 
> MUCH LOVE!


	5. Sleepover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was near the end of class when Connor looked up from the notes he was taking on the chapter he and Evan had just discussed. He nudged Evan’s arm and Evan quickly set his notes aside too. 
> 
> “Hey, did you want to, maybe come over tonight?” Connor asked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! So, I really need to thank you for getting me over 1,000 hits! It seriously means the world to me that you all like my story. Thank you so much!  
> Anyways, I really like this chapter! I'm a little nervous about the dialogue and my descriptions, but I hope I did okay! This is also a long chapter, so let me know if you like the longer chapters. Stay tuned for some questions and announcements in the end notes!

Connor and Evan started talking more and more over the next week. At first, it was only about the project. What chapter the other was on, what they thought about the story so far, marking down page numbers and quotes they thought were important. But, they started talking about other things. They’re interest and disinterests. They would text and call each other a lot, but since Connor is always with his friends, Evan tried to leave him alone whenever he would see him in person. Evan found out that Connor didn’t want to continue playing basketball after high school, but if it got him scholarships, he would. Evan thought that was weird because Evan had heard he was really good. Evan told Connor about his interest for nature, especially trees. Connor told him it was really cool that he was so passionate about something. Evan asked Connor what he was passionate about, Connor ended up changing the subject. 

It was near the end of class when Connor looked up from the notes he was taking on the chapter he and Evan had just discussed. He nudged Evan’s arm and Evan quickly set his notes aside too. 

“Hey, did you want to, maybe come over tonight?” Connor asked. Evan must have looked extremely surprised because Connor added, “To work on the project! You don’t have to, I just thought it would really get us ahead, you know?” 

Evan regained control of his vocal chords, “Yeah! Y-Yes that would be good.”

“We can go right after school and stop at your house to grab your stuff.”

“St-Stuff?” Evan asked, extremely confused about what stuff Connor was talking about. He had all of his school stuff with him.

“Yeah, to sleep over?” Connor realized that Evan didn’t realize that was what he was asking, “If you want to. I just thought because you don’t drive and because we don’t know how long we would be working.” 

Evan hadn’t slept over someone’s house besides Jared in such a long time. He nodded his head quickly, afraid that Connor may rescind his offer if he didn’t answer soon enough. Connor gave him a small smile, “Cool, meet me at the front after school ends, okay?” Again, unable to find his voice, Evan just nodded and smiled a soft smile. The bell rang and Connor started putting his books into messenger bag. Evan watched as he stood up and made his way to the front of the classroom.

“See you later, Evan!” He waved and Evan waved back as he packed up his bag. His brain was a windtunnel of thoughts, ranging from ‘this is my chance to have Connor in your life’ to ‘you’re going to mess everything up like you always do’. He just tried to focus on the reality in front of him; he is going to be able to hang out with Connor Murphy. He didn’t want to back out of it later on, so he sent a quick text to Jared that let him know what was going on. Jared would never let him drop plans like this. Evan made his way to his next class, feeling a thousand snakes writhe around in his stomach. Dreading and excited about the end of the day all at once.

\---

The bell rang, signaling the end of the day. Evan gripped the side of his pants, wiping the sweat that had accumulated on his hands. He looked down at his phone to see a text from Jared that read “go get him, tiger!”. Sometimes, he really regretted telling Jared anything. He felt his legs shake as he stood up and started walking. He made his way to the front of the building, thinking about what he would say when Connor greeted him. He didn’t want to show how excited he was to be spending time with someone other than Jared. But he also didn’t want Connor to know that his anxiety is making his stomach do flips. When he walked into the lobby at the front of the school, he spotted Connor easily; he towered over everyone. Evan saw he was leaning against the wall, typing on his phone. Evan started towards him and Connor looked up to see him. He waved Evan over. Evan felt his heart skip a beat. He can’t believe the situation that was about to happen.

“You ready?” Connor asked.

“Yeah, my house isn’t far from here.” Connor nodded and pulled out his keys. As they were walking to his car, about 6 people had said goodbye to him. Some came up and gave him high fives or fist bumps. All of them had looked quizzically at Evan, but didn’t say anything. Evan hated the attention, he wanted to crawl into himself. But Connor didn’t try to hide the fact Evan was going home with him, which made Evan feel a lot better about himself. 

Connor opened the door to a black Jeep Wrangler and got inside. Evan walked to the other side of the car and got into the passenger seat. Evan quickly told him the street to turn onto before looking around the car. The car was generally clean, in the backseat there was a jacket and a blanket. The only thing decorating the car was the school’s parking pass hanging from the rearview mirror. They sat in comfortable silence, the radio playing softly in the background. Connor looked over at Evan at a stoplight, but Evan didn’t notice because he was focused on the passing scenery. Connor bit the inside of his cheek and looked back at the road. Within seven minutes, Connor pulled into Evan’s driveway. Evan began to get out before he realized he would leave Connor by himself in his driveway. Evan concluded that this was rude so he decided to invite Connor inside.

“Would you like to come in?”

Connor shrugged, “Sure.” Evan nodded and got out, walking up to the door and sticking the key in the lock. Connor followed awkwardly behind. Evan opened the door and instantly became self-conscious of his messy and small home. Law books were stacked throughout the house and takeout boxes were scattered randomly. Laundry baskets were sitting out with clothes that had yet to be put away. He could feel his face heat up slightly at the thought of Connor thinking he was messy. 

“Pardon the mess, my room is over here.” Evan said, leading Connor over to his small room. 

“Your room is cleaner than mine, don’t worry about it.” Connor chuckled, and Evan had a hard time believing that statement. Nothing was organized because there was not a lot of room to fit everything. Connor sat on Evan’s bed as he grabbed clothes and pyjamas for the sleepover. He told Connor to wait there while he went to the bathroom to grab some stuff. When he entered the bathroom, he grabbed a toothbrush and toothpaste. He also called his mom and let her know that he was going to have a sleepover. Of course, she was so excited, but also extremely nervous.

“Did you grab your toothbrush and stuff?”

“Yes.”

“Pjs?”

“Yup.”

“Your meds?”

Evan sighed, realizing that was the only thing he was forgetting, “No.”

“Evan, please make sure you have that.”

“I will.”

“I am so proud-”

“Please, don’t make a big deal out of this.”

“Okay, okay, I love you honey!”

“Love you too, mom,” Evan said with a smile. After they hung up, Evan went back to his room and went to his bedside table. Discreetly as possible, he put his anxiety medication into his bag. He didn’t want have to explain that to Connor, not yet anyways. Although, he wouldn’t be surprised if he already had figured out that Evan was a ball of anxiety.

“OK, I’m ready,” Evan said, turning to Connor. Connor got up off the bed.

“Sounds good.” As they were walking out, Connor started talking, “So, my family isn’t there right now. I’ll order some pizza, you like cheese?” Evan nodded, relieved he won’t have to talk to anybody new. They had simple conversation on the way over to Connor’s, talking about the day. When they arrived, Evan marveled at the house. It was definitely way bigger than Evan’s. Connor lead the way through the door. The pair was heading towards the steps when there was a voice that spoke out.

“Connor, who’s this?” The two turned around, greeted by a middle-aged woman wearing athletic wear and holding a mug of tea. 

Connor, obviously surprised by her presence, ignored the question, “I thought you were supposed to be at yoga?”

“I decided not to go, who is this? A friend?”

Connor rolled his eyes, “Mom, this is Evan, a friend from school. Evan, this is my mom.” Evan tried swallowing a rock that had gotten stuck in his throat.

“H-Hi, M-Mrs, Murphy,” Evan stammered, putting his hand out to shake her hand. She took it, her hands surprisingly rough. 

“Please, call me Cynthia, Evan!” she exclaimed, a huge grin on her face. “Connor never brings friends over for us to meet-”

“MOM!” Connor yelled, startling Evan. Cynthia ignored him.

“Would you like to have dinner with us? Connor’s father, Larry, wanted to have dinner all together.”

“We got pizza, we’re not eating whatever shitty food diet you’re on-”

“Language, Connor.”

He glared, but mumbled, “Sorry.”

“Con, your dad wants to have a family dinner-”

“I couldn't care less about what he wants,” he spat, grabbing Evan by the arm and dragging him to his room. Evan looked back at Cynthia and she looked like she wanted to say something back to him.

Once in Connor’s room, he slams the door shut and sits on his bed, breathing a little heavier. He looks at Evan, his face instantly softening, “I’m sorry about that.”  
“Are y-you okay?”

Connor ignored the question, “Just forget about it, okay?” Evan nodded, not sure of what to say. Connor was visibly upset and Evan wanted to comfort him, but didn’t know how. Connor cleared his throat and started grabbing stuff out of his bag and Evan did the same. They both started just talking about the project.

Connor’s room was pretty big. It was painted a dark shade of blue. He had a twin-sized bed that had black covers. There were a couple posters of bands scattered around his room and picture frames with pictures of him and his popular friends hanging on the wall. He had a computer desk with a nice desktop on it. He also had books. A pretty good amount of them. They were on a shelf in his closet. He must keep it in there because he doesn’t want any of his other friends to see it. Evan was just a little bit jealous at how his room looked, and Connor’s room was definitely not as messy as his.

About 45 minutes later, they both had grown tired of talking about the book. The two were facing each other on the bed, talking about other books they liked.

“Have you read “IT” by Stephen King?” Connor asked, biting his nails and looking at Evan.

“No. If I’m going to be honest, I’m a little scared to read it,” Evan chuckled, playing with the end of his pant leg. Connor chuckled too.

“It isn’t scary, the movie is though. Well, not really SCARY but I was scared during it.”

“That makes no sense,” Evan laughed. Connor followed suit. “”Perks of being a Wallflower”?”

Connor’s face lit up, “Really awesome book and movie.”

“Agreed! I’ve read and watched it, like, 500 times.”

“Me too!” They both giggled happily and continued talking about books and book-movies. Evan noticed that Connor’s nail polish was almost completely picked off.

“Connor, your nails aren’t painted.”

Connor looked at his nails and shrugged, “I think I’m done painting them, it’s stupid…”

Evan shugged his shoulders, “I thought they looked nice.” Connor looked at him and the corner of his mouth tugged upwards.

“Really?”

“Definitely, it looks r-really, uh, really nice on you,” Evan said, his face turning a light shade of pink.

Connor, still trying to not smile, said “I kind of suck at painting them, though.”

“I could paint them for you?” Evan suggested, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he can catch them. He really messed it up now. Now Connor is going to think he’s a freak and he’s going to hate him and-

“That’d be nice,” Connor finally grinned, reaching over the side of his bed and reaching his hand underneath to pull out a container that has nail polishes in it. There wasn’t many variations; a clear polish, three black polishes, and a couple different blue polishes. Connor took out the clear and black one and handed it to Evan. Evan took it gingerly into his hands and opened the container of black polish. Connor put his hand out for Evan to take. Evan’s hands were shaking, but it looked like Connor’s were too. Evan took his hand gently into his own and began painting. They were silent as Evan painted the first three nails on Connor’s left hand.

Connor was the first one to speak, “How are you so good?”

“My mom. Anytime she would go on dates I would paint her nails for her.” 

Connor nodded. He asked after a beat of silence, “When did he leave you?” Evan was taken aback by the question. Connor must have thought he offended Evan because he started to apologize, “Oh my god, that was so rude, I’m so sorry. I-I don’t know why I said that…”

Evan shook his head, “It’s okay, Connor. My dad left when I was seven, or so. He moved and started a new family. He still calls and texts and stuff, sometimes.” Connor just looked down at his hands. By now, Evan had moved to his other hand. Connor seemed like he was lost in thought as Evan finished up with his nails. “Done.”

Connor held up his nails so he could look at it. He smiled at his newly painted fingers, “Thank you, Evan.”

“I-It’s no problem,” Evan said, reaching into the bin of polishes and pulling a dark blue one out. He handed it to Connor and Connor looked at him quizzically. “I-I want y-you to, um, paint mine n-now. Butonlyifyouwanttoyoudon’thaveto-” 

“Evan, slow down,” Connor said, trying to hold back another grin, “I’ll paint your nails.” Evan released a breath he didn’t know he was holding. He let Connor grab his hand and Evan felt his face heat up. His entire body felt warm and he could tell he was sweating. His heart was beating so hard the entire street must know that Evan Hansen is completely crushing on Connor Murphy. Evan, having a hard time believing this was real, focused on Connor’s hands to avoid hyperventilating. They were warm and soft. His hands were pretty big too, he had really long fingers…

Stop thinking about his hands, Evan thought.

Connor started a conversation, asking more about Evan’s mom. Evan was happy to talk about something so he didn’t have to sit in silence with his thoughts. In the middle of a story about him and his mom’s trip to his grandma’s house the door opened.

“Connor-” a large man in the doorway stopped mid sentence when he looked at the two boys sitting criss crossed on the bed, painting nails. He clenched his jaw and rubbed his forehead, “Connor, are you shitting me? Don’t force your friend to participate in your… feminine activities. I thought you were better than this.” The man looked disappointed and angry. Connor swallowed hard, obviously trying to hold back from yelling at him.

Evan found his voice before Connor did, “I’m s-sorry, you, uh, you must be Mr. Murphy?” The man nodded. Evan looked down at his feet, “I-I’m sorry if this is, uh, d-disrespectful, but he isn’t forcing me t-to do anything, sir.” Connor looked astounded that Evan had did that. Frankly, Evan was astounded that he did that too. Mr. Murphy huffed and mumbled something incoherent as he turned around and slammed the door, shaking the frame.

“Fucking asshole,” Connor muttered, turning his attention back to Evan and his nails. Evan was shaking harder now as Connor finished up his last nail. They sat in silence for a moment, Connor still holding Evan’s hand gently. 

“Thank you for saying that.”

“Don’t thank me, i-it was no big d-deal.”

Connor bit his lip, “Evan, you’re shaking. Obviously it was somewhat of a big deal.”

Evan sighed, “I, um, I normally don’t do this.”

“What’s ‘this’?”

“All of this. Everything we’ve done today.” Evan looked down, somewhat embarrassed. He doesn’t usually open up to people, the fact that he let Connor see a peek behind the mask he put up made him nervous. He doesn’t want to mess anything up. He doesn’t want Connor to see the real him and decide that Evan wasn’t worth it. 

But, the sad truth is, Evan doesn’t think he is worth it.

Connor looked at him sadly, “You know, you told me about your family, but I didn’t tell you about mine.” Evan kept his eyes trained on his feet. He did kind of want to know why he was so brash with his family. “In my family, my sister, Zoe, is the golden child. She can do no wrong in the eyes of my mom and dad. On the other hand, everything I do is wrong to them. Especially my dad, he hates a lot of the things I do. He’s glad about me playing basketball, but I don’t even like it that much.” Evan finally looked up at Connor. He was staring at the wall. “I try to control my anger around them, but, as you can tell, sometimes it’s hard for me to do that. Which makes them hate me more.”

“I’m sure they don’t hate you,” Evan said as he reached out to touch Connor’s knee. Connor looked back at Evan, then to his hand. He got up quickly and walked over to his computer.

“Let’s work on our project for a little bit longer.”

Evan complied and they didn’t bring up the subject again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've finally met Cynthia and Larry! What did you think about them? What did you think about the softer side of Connor? I liked writing him as a softie!   
> In general, how'd you like the chapter? Do you like when they're a little bit longer?  
> Thanks so much for reading and commenting!  
> MUCH LOVE


	6. From Up So High

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the first time since he broke his arm, Evan wondered what the world would like from up so high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> OH BOY THIS IS A LONG CHAPTER! But it also is one of my favorite chapters that I've written. I really hope you like this update, I worked super hard on it. Stay tuned until the end notes because I have an important annoouncement/question! 
> 
> TW: TALKS OF SUICIDE
> 
> If you can't read the chapter, message me and I would be happy to summarize it for you!

Evan loved being around Connor. When Connor was around Evan, he was easygoing and kind. The two of them were comfortable around each other, and Evan’s chest felt different when he was around Connor. 

But, Evan tried avoiding him at school. 

Not because he didn’t want to talk to him or because he didn’t want to hang out with him, but because he acted differently. Whenever he was around his other friends, he was always on edge. He was snappy and mean, always making sarcastic comments that end up hurting somebody. He acted like he didn’t care about anything. If somebody asked for his opinion, his usual response was “I don’t give a fuck”. He acted disinterested and like nothing mattered to him. That wasn’t the Connor he knew. But, all of his other friends seem to enjoy it, laughing at his comments and giving him high-fives when he would make someone upset. Evan didn’t think that it was Connor’s fault, but he couldn’t wrap his head around how fast Connor’s personality could change. But, while Connor was sarcastic and somewhat mean with other people, he was always nice to Evan. No harsh words spilled out of his mouth, never a harsh glance in his direction. He was always sweet and caring towards him. 

That made Evan nervous.

He was scared to trust Connor, afraid that if he opened himself up too much, Connor would take advantage of that and rip him open completely. He was afraid Connor would show his insides to everyone. Evan couldn’t imagine Connor doing that, but it was always in the back of his mind. So, Evan tried not to open up too much.

But, Evan was not doing a good job at that.

\---

Evan and Connor started having sleepovers a lot. From one sleepover a week to two or three. Connor would pick Evan up after his basketball practices, both of them always headed to Connor’s house. They had been doing this for a month, but Evan rarely saw Connor’s parents or Zoe. They never really talked to Connor when Evan was around. There was the occasional hello’s and how was your day’s, but they never went into conversation with him.

Nonetheless, Connor and Evan always ended up having a good time together. Both of them learned something new about each other every sleepover.

For instance, during one of their first sleepovers, Evan had caught a glimpse of a picture of Connor that was peeking out from under a couple books. He gently pulled it out before giggling at the sight before him. Connor looked over to see what Evan was laughing at. He immediately blushed and snatched the picture away without saying a word. Both of them sat in uncomfortable silence, with Evan regretting prying into his stuff. When Evan was about to apologize, Connor inhaled deeply and gave Evan the picture back.

“Sorry for freaking out like that, none of my friends have seen those kinds of photos of me,” Connor said, swallowing hard. Evan was about to apologize, but then got caught up on something Connor had said. 

Friend. 

Evan smiled to himself and bit his lip, “No, no I’m sorry for taking your stuff without asking.”

“Shut up,” Connor said lightly, laughing breathily as he shouldered Evan gently, “seriously, don’t apologize.”

“I shouldn’t have laughed either…”

 

Connor shook his head, his eyes glinting, “Evan, I would have laughed at myself too, I mean, look at me.”

Evan looked back down at the photo. Connor’s hair was shorter than it is now, just below his ears. It looked like a curly mop on his head, making him look a lot younger than he probably. He had a goofy grin on his face, his teeth covered in metal. He had a nice, white dress shirt on with a black bowtie situated around his neck. He also had wire-framed glasses on. He looked shorter and skinnier than he did now. The best part of the photo, though, was that he was holding up a saxophone that was strapped around his neck. Evan bit back another chuckle. 

“That was from the eighth grade jazz band concert, I played the saxophone.”

 

“I know, I used to go to those. Zoe was in it, right?” Evan already knew the answer, but he didn’t want Connor to know that Evan went to the concerts to see Zoe play.

Connor bit the inside of his cheek, “Yeah, she was. We did it together.”

“Did you like the saxophone?”

Connor shook his head, surprising Evan. Evan gave him a confused look and Connor decided to explain, “I only joined because of Zoe.” Evan made a tiny ‘oh’ sound. Connor shook his head again, “But, not because of the reason you would think.” 

“Connor?” Connor wasn’t looking at him anymore, he was staring at his hands. His leg was bouncing up and down rapidly. “Are you alright?”

“I joined because… because at that point me and Zoe started fighting. A lot. And I wanted to be closer to her, so I wanted to try one of her hobbies. But, it, it really didn’t work out. I was okay at sax, but Zoe still… ignored me.”

“I’m sorry, Connor…” Evan said, putting a hand on his shoulder. Connor looked up at him and shook his head again.

“It’s fine, I’m fine. I’m over it.”

At another sleepover, Connor and Evan had gotten on the subject of friends. 

“You have a lot of them,” Evan said, feeling stupid right after he said it. Evan thought about how dumb that made him sound, of course Connor knew that he had a lot of friends. 

Connor chuckled, “A lot of them are just people I hang out with, I really wouldn’t call them friends.” Evan nodded, saying nothing. “What about you?”

“Jared,” Evan said, “And you, now.” Evan felt blood rush to his face as he said that, smiling slightly.

Connor sat up from his position, a little confused, “That’s it?” Evan nodded. “Has Jared been your friend for a while?”

“Yeah. Our moms are like, best friends. We’ve been family friends since we were born.”

“It’s good that you’ve always had a best friend to be by your side.”

Evan’s mouth went a little dry, and he chuckled nervously, “Well, I mean, last year, he kind of… stopped being my friend for a while…” Evan glanced at Connor and he had a look of concern etched into his face, and Evan tried to take back what he said, “But, he apologized! It wasn’t a big deal, we’re okay now.” Evan didn’t want Connor to think he was pathetic, that is the LAST thing Evan wanted. 

“That’s such a shitty thing to do!” Connor exclaimed, inching closer to Evan. He looked genuinely upset Jared’s actions. More upset than Evan would have thought he would be.

“It’s just, h-he…” Evan didn’t want to tell Connor the real reason Jared left Evan. He didn’t want him to know that Jared left Evan so he could secretly fool around with the football players. He didn’t want Connor to know that Evan was such a loser his best friend of 13 years decided to stop being friends with for awhile. Evan’s eyes were starting to heat up, he hated remembering how lonely he was last year. No one to talk to, Evan having to deal with everything by himself. All of his thoughts. It was bad. Everything was awful. Evan couldn’t stand to be alone like that again, just thinking about that made his legs tremble. Evan hadn’t realized he had started to cry until Connor gently squeezed his arm.

“Evan, I didn’t mean to make you upset. I just, I just can’t see how anybody could just straight up leave you,” Connor said, maintaining eye contact with Evan the entire time, “you’re a great friend.”

Evan gave him a watery laugh, putting his and on top of Connor’s. They just sat there, hands touching, staring at each other for a while. Evan’s heart was pumping fast, making his body tingle, especially at the place where Connor’s hand was. His brain was stagnant, no rushing thoughts or images. It was just him and Connor in that moment.

Evan really wanted to wrap his arms around Connor and hold him. 

But he refrained himself.

Then, after one particularly rough day for Evan, they were sitting quietly in Connor’s room. Evan was on the blow-up mattress he always slept on. Connor was laying on his bed, throwing and catching a small ball. Evan and Connor had been silent for a while, both of them too tired and upset to talk. But, Connor’s presence calmed Evan, and Evan hoped that his presence helped Connor. They wanted to be in each other’s company, even if they didn’t talk. Evan rolled onto his side and spotted a pair of shoes poking out of a bag under Connor’s bed. Evan reached under and grabbed the shoes that were peeking out. When the item was out from the dark, Evan could see that they were ballet shoes. Evan set them aside and reached underneath again, feeling around for anymore things. He pulled out the bag. He zipped the bag open and was surprised by everything he saw. There was a pair of shoes with metal-like bottoms, which Evan could only guess were tap shoes, a black leotard-type outfit, a bag with “Parktide Dance Company” on it, and a shirt with a matching logo on the front.

“Con?” Evan asked. Even at this point in the friendship, Evan is still a little wary about calling Connor by a nickname, but Connor insisted that it was okay.

“Yeah?” Connor stopped throwing the ball and he looked over at where Evan was. Evan held up the stuff that was in his lap. Connor’s face paled just the tiniest bit as he bolted upright. He moved off the bed so he was sitting next to Evan, taking the shoes from his lap and turning them over in his hand, gritting his teeth.

“Is this Zoe’s stuff or something? I didn’t know that she danced.” Evan said, turning the shirt over to reveal a long list of names covering the back of the shirt. He scanned to find ‘Murphy’, once he did, he looked, expecting to see Zoe’s name. Instead, Evan made an audible ‘woah’ at the name he saw.

“Zoe wasn’t the one that danced,” Connor said, looking away from Evan. Evan seemed not to notice the distressed look on Connor’s face.

“Connor! You were a dancer?” Evan said, grabbing Connor’s wrist. 

Connor looked down at his lap, “Yeah.” His tone brisk and harsh. It sounded like he was on the verge of crying. Evan didn’t understand why Connor was upset. 

“Con,” Evan reached and grabbed Connor’s shoulder. Connor moved away from Evan slightly, brushing off his hand. He sniffled and Evan scooted a little closer to him, “What’s wrong? I didn’t mean to upset you, I’m sorry…” 

Connor set his jaw, “It’s okay, I just,” Connor paused to wipes at his eyes, “I just haven’t seen this stuff in a while.”

Evan gently set his hand on top of Connor’s, smiling sweetly at him, “You don’t have to talk about it, but I think it’s really freaking cool that you dance.” Connor gave him a watery laugh, looking over to Evan, his bright blue eyes glistening with wetness. 

Connor sighed and picked up his tap shoes, smiling down at them, “Tap was-- is my favorite. I mean, I love all styles, but I fell in love with tap when I started dance.”

Evan leaned closer to Connor, pressing lightly into his side, “I bet you were really good.”

Connor leaned into Evan, biting his lip with a smile, “I was pretty good, I was on a competition team,” Connor let a happy sigh, “We used to travel all the time. It was a commitment, but I loved it.”

“When did you quit?”

Connor’s happy attitude instantly fell, shifting his weight so he was leaning even more into Evan. “Ninth grade. That’s when I quit jazz band and picked up basketball. That’s also when I got my contacts and I got my braces off. That’s when people actually started to notice-- When they decided to start liking me.”

“Why?” Evan didn’t understand if Connor loved it so much, why would he just… stop?

Connor shrugged, looking down at his shoes and slowly started putting his shoes and shirt in his bag. Connor stayed silent for a minute or two. Finally, he cleared his throat and looked over at Evan, who had just sat there and waited patiently for Connor to answer. “My dad didn’t approve.”

“So, he made you quit?”  
Connor shook his head, “No, but he made a good point. No one would want to be my friend if I was-” Connor stopped, seeming choked up on his words. Evan could tell that Connor was trying to grit back tears. He took a shaky breath and continued, “I didn’t have friends. I wanted friends, so I joined basketball because I was good at it. When people actually started noticing me, they wanted to be my friend. That wouldn’t have happened if I continued dance.”

Evan took Connor by the shoulders and turned him so they were facing each other, “You’re going to show me some of your moves sometime.” Connor laughed an actual laugh. Evan started laughing too. The two boys were on the ground, laughing and smiling. Eventually, after the fit of laughter was over, Connor walked over to his closet. He reached up to the top of the shelf and brought down a small book and walked back over to his bed. He hopped onto his mattress and patted the spot next to him, signaling for Evan to follow. Evan crawled on and Connor opened the book. 

It was a photo album from dance.

It contained pictures of a tiny Connor in leotards and dance costumes. It had pictures of him and Zoe standing next to each other with Connor holding roses. It had pictures of Cynthia doing Connor’s hair and make-up. It had pictures of smiley Connor at recitals and competitions. There was only one person that was never in the album.

Larry. Larry never was pictured with Connor, and Evan didn’t want to ask why.

\---

Today Evan had waited for Connor after school. At 5:00, Connor exited the gym, sweaty and panting. After waving goodbye to all of his teammates, he walked over to Evan.

“Hey, man,” Connor said, offering Evan a hand to get up off the floor. Evan happily took it, his back and neck hurting from sitting against the wall for so long. “You ready?” Evan nodded and walked with Connor to his car.

“Did you have a rough practice today or something?” Evan asked, motioning towards Connor’s short breath and sweat soaked clothes. Connor laughed airily.

Panting slightly, he said, “Our first game is Friday, so we only have four more days to practice. Coach went really hard on us, and since I’m the captain, he goes a little extra on me.” Evan nodded, his eyes caught on Connor’s legs. He was wearing shorts, despite the frigid weather outside. His legs were really toned, maybe not super muscular, but still looked really strong. He eyed up Connor, feeling a weird feeling in his stomach. From his wrist to his elbow he had a black, compression like sleeve on both of his arms. The best part was that Connor’s hair was tied up into a ponytail, his curly hair all bunched into one place. Evan never really saw Connor’s hair up, sometimes when he slept over he would put it in a bun, but it was never often. He was snapped out of his head when Connor started the car up.

When they reached Connor’s house, nobody was home. Larry was staying extra at work, Zoe was at jazz band practice, and Cynthia was shopping. Connor walked into the house and immediately went to the phone, ordering a large cheese pizza for him and Evan. Evan sat in the kitchen table chair and pulled out his phone. 

“I’m gonna go take a quick shower, I’ll be right back.” Evan nodded without even looking up from his phone. He heard Connor move up the steps and Evan continued to surf his phone when the doorbell rang. Confused, he looked at the time. It was around 6:15, no one should be home yet. The bell rang again. He thought maybe Cynthia had come home from shopping early and forgot her keys. He got up from the table and walked to the door, opening it. Standing on the other end was the pizza delivery girl. Evan froze.

“Uh, that’s $12, please?” the said, taking the pizza from the container. Evan, still frozen, just stood there, contemplating shutting the door. “You okay there, dude?” Evan started to stammer, trying to form a coherent sentence, while fumbling around with his wallet. The girl was starting to become impatient making Evan even more shaky and nervous. Suddenly, her eyes lit up and Evan felt someone come up behind him. 

“Well, hey Connor, I didn’t know you lived here,” she said, adjusting her weight so she was leaning across the door. Her eyes scanned Connor up and down as she flashed him a grin. Evan turned around to see Connor shirtless and in grey sweatpants. His heart leapt up into his throat. He was still gleaming from the shower and his hair was way longer when wet, it was still dripping water down his back. Connor smiled at her and gave her money, grabbing the pizza. 

“Why would you have? It’s not like we talk,” his voice was coated with fake sweetness. He shut the door on her and turned on his heels, heading up the stairs. Evan had never seen Connor without his shirt on, he never even saw him in a tee shirt. Had he ever seen Connor’s arms? Evan didn’t know, but the poor guy’s head was spinning. He followed Connor up the steps, having to hold onto the railing for support, Evan did not trust his legs in a time like this. Upon reaching Connor’s room, the mix of stress from answering the door and the dizziness from seeing Connor made Evan collapse onto his bed. 

“You good, Ev?” Connor asked, quickly grabbing a slice of pizza and sitting in his computer chair. 

Evan chuckled and sat up, looking over at Connor, “Yeah, I’m fi-” Evan stopped. He stared at Connor’s arms, utterly frozen in place once more.

Connor was about to say something when he looked at what Evan was staring at. Connor immediately threw down his pizza and covered his arms by clutching his arms around his stomach. 

Evan finally found his voice and squeaked out, “Connor-”

“You weren’t supposed to see that,” Connor said getting up, pacing the room. He started to angirly ramble, “I’m so stupid, how could I fucking forget? How could I fucking do this? You’re such a fucking MESS Connor!” Connor was screaming now.

“Connor,” Evan tried to talk over him. Connor’s eyes were wide with panic and he continued pacing, mumbling to himself over and over that he was so stupid and that he was a mess. Evan tried to get his attention again, yelling this time, “CONNOR!” 

Connor stopped and looked at Evan, panting heavily.

“Connor, come sit down.” Evan said, making room for him. Connor took a moment before he sat down, he was trembling. This was the closest Connor was to crying that Evan had ever seen. Evan had no idea what to think, what to say. Connor’s breaths were ragged and rough, Evan looked at him softly, trying to reassure him that everything was okay without saying anything. Slowly, Evan moved his hands towards Connor’s arms. When Evan made contact with them, he flinched, and Evan looked up at Connor, making sure it was okay to proceed. Connor gave a slight nod and Evan looked back down. He turned his arms over to reveal the long scars that ran from Connor’s wrist to the middle of his forearm. They were mostly white with a red outer ring around it. Evan’s eyes stared to fill with water as he carefully ran his thumbs over Connor’s arms.

Then Connor began to shake, sobbing uncontrollably. Evan quickly wrapped his arms around him, Connor mimicking Evan’s actions and gripping onto the smaller boy. Evan let Connor sob into his shoulder, he didn’t say anything, just rubbed his back and let his own tears fall. After what felt like hours, Connor’s sobs turned into sniffles and the two boys pulled away. Evan looked at Connor, eyes puffy and red, tears staining his cheeks, and his chest hurt at the sight. He hated to see Connor like this. The two sat in silence, not sure of what to say.

“You know how I told you about Jared not being my friend last year,” Evan said eventually, his voice scratchy in his throat. Connor nodded sadly and looked up at him through his still wet hair that hung over his eyes. “Well, that year,” Evan continued, “I also had an internship at a local state park kind of thing.” Evan stopped to make sure Connor was still listening. He was, so Evan took a deep breath, “Things got really bad, Con. My mind just wouldn’t stop. Bad thoughts were taking over my life, I thought nobody cared about me.” Connor’s face contorted into a look of despair and disbelief. “One day, I went to the park and climbed a tree. I climbed as high as I could, so high that the sun shined so hot on my face.” Evan stopped, the words getting caught in his throat, serrating his lungs to the point where his breathing turned shallow. His chest ached. “I jumped. But, I didn’t climb high enough to kill myself, I only broke my arm. Nobody came running. Nobody helped me until I dragged myself to the head rangers office and he called the ambulance. And for months I told my mom I just fell. I told everyone that asked I fell. But, I got tired of lying, I told her… I told her that I let go. There was a lot of crying and I was scared she was going to hate me. I went to a hospital and got antidepressants. Those helped, I don’t have to take them anymore.” Evan had been staring at his hands the entire time he was saying this, so he finally looked up at Connor. New tears welled up in Connor’s eyes. “Connor, you don’t have to be ashamed of your scars. Not around me.” Connor’s lip quivered as he hung his head, fighting the urge to start crying again.

Finally, after another couple minutes, Connor spoke, “Mine was last year too,” his voice was shaky and quiet, Evan could barely hear him. “I couldn’t take living anymore. Everyone was better off without me. So, when my mom and Zoe were out shopping and Larry was at work, I took the kitchen knife a-and-” he gestured to his arms. “I didn’t do it deep enough. There was a lot of blood though, I passed out at the sight of it. I woke up to Larry trying cleaning my arms and the floor off, mumbling stuff under his breath. Everything was fuzzy, so I don’t know what he said to me. He took me to the hospital, I got stitches, and then he took me home. He lied to the nurse, Zoe, and my mom about what happened. He said I scraped my arms working on my car. He was the only one that knew. Now you do, too.” Connor kept running his fingers along his arm as he recounted the story. Evan was in disbelief, how could he have not been taken to a psychiatrist?

“You never saw a therapist, or someone? Never went on antidepressants?” 

Connor shook his head and sniffed, “My dad doesn’t believe those actually help. He says I was just doing it for the attention or whatever…” Evan gently grabbed Connor’s face, brushing the semi-dry hair from his eyes. They sat there once more, staring at each other.

Evan slowly and reluctantly drew his hands away, glancing at the time. It was only eight, but it was already dark out, and both of them were exhausted, “Let’s go to bed.” Connor nodded in agreement. As Connor pulled back the covers to get into bed, Evan got up to get the blow-up mattress. Connor quickly grabbed Evan’s wrist, stopping him from moving any further.

“Could you, maybe, sleep in my bed tonight?” Connor asked, his eyes pleading. Evan looked at the small twin sized bed, it would be a tight squeeze, but Evan couldn’t complain. He nodded and slid into bed with Connor. They both awkwardly adjusted themselves so they could be somewhat comfortable. Evan could feel the heat radiating off of Connor, Evan hoped that Connor couldn’t hear his breath hitch everytime their legs or arms or hands would touch. Evan just tried to focus on trying to sleep.

\---

Evan didn’t know how long it had been, but the both of them were definitely awake still. Connor’s breathing was uneven and shallow, indicating that he, too, was having a hard time with this arrangement. Evan turned onto his side, facing Connor. After a couple seconds, Connor did the same. The two boys were gazing at each other, faces only inches apart. Evan could feel Connor’s ragged breaths on his face. Evan smelled the warm vanilla that Connor always smelled like, it made his heart pump harder. All he could hear was the blood rushing in his ears at this point.

He was so beautiful. With his hair pulled back into a bun, his gorgeous blue eyes, his delicate features that contrasted greatly with his tough personality. He was so strong. Evan didn’t even realize that he was leaning forward until his lips touched Connor’s. 

They were kissing.

Evan Hansen was kissing Connor Murphy.

His mind was telling him to stop, that Connor isn’t kissing back, he needs to stop. But his body wasn’t listening. 

Just as Evan was about to pull away and apologize, Connor started kissing back. He grabbed the back of Evan’s head, deepening the kiss, and making Evan’s brain go wild. Evan cupped Connor’s face gently, running his thumb along his cheeks. Shifting his weight so that Evan was on top, he still had Connor’s face in his hands. Connor’s hands migrated to Evan’s hip. Evan stopped thinking for once, he felt a balloon of joy just burst inside him, filling his bloodstream with bliss. They kept going, kissing and holding each other….

Until Connor suddenly went rigid. 

Evan broke the kiss, still on top of Connor and asked, “Con, are you--” he didn’t get to finish his sentence because Connor had shoved him off. Bolting upright, Connor swung his legs over the side of his bed with his head in his hands. Evan composed himself and scrambled behind Connor, setting a light hand on his shoulder, “Connor, did I do something wrong?” 

Connor quickly shoved his hand away and quietly but clearly said, “Get out.”

Evan’s brain didn’t process what Connor had said. Maybe Evan heard it wrong, I mean, Connor kissed back. Evan didn’t force Connor to do anything…

Right?

“W-What?”

“Get. Out. Evan.”

“Connor, I-I’m, I’m sorry--” Connor whipped around and glared at Evan, his jaw locked and and his hands balled into fists. Evan had never seen Connor so angry at him before, so he cowered. Evan quickly scurried to get his shoes on and grabbed his bag, not caring if he forgot anything. He hurried downstairs and out the front door, too scared to glance back.

All he could think as the cold sucked the air out of his lungs was, “you fucked up, you fucked up, you fucked up, why do you fuck everything up?” 

His thoughts were pounding into him, like a hammer to the side of his temple. With every new thought came another crash to his brain and heart.

You’re gonna be lonely forever.

BANG.

Nobody is ever gonna like you.

BANG.

You’re a pathetic loser who deserves everything bad to happen to him.

BANG.

Evan ran as fast as his legs could carry him, the tears finally flowing out his eyes and down his face. He could taste the salty water as it passed over his lips. He ran to a park. He ran until it hurt to breath, making his chest plead for a break, his heart pounded, begging him to stop. He collapsed onto the cold grass. Even though he was sweating, he was shivering from the frigid weather. Rolling onto his back, Evan let out a loud cry. He grabbed at his hair, kicked the ground, and pounded his fists like a toddler having a temper tantrum. He opened his bleary eyes to look up at the night sky. It was a beautiful sight, the stars and the moon clear and bright. He looked at the silhouettes of all the trees that reached up and brushed against the stars. 

For the first time since he broke his arm, Evan wondered what the world would like from up so high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, a lot of angst, huh? How did you like the chapter? What do you think of dancer Connor? Why do you think he threw Evan out? What do you think is going to happen next?
> 
> ANNOUNCMENT/QUESTION:
> 
> I am going to start doing one shots and another story! But, I have a question. I have many fandoms that I want to write one shots for: Falsettos, BMC, DEH, Newsies, etc. Do you think I should make a seperate work for each one, or compile them into one big one-shot story where each chapter is seperated by each fandom? Let me know, I also take requests.   
> As for my new story, I will be doing a Newsies Camp AU but also a fandom of your guys' choice! Let me know what fandom I should write for next and I'll see which one has the most votes. 
> 
> Anyways, let me know how you liked the chapter and talk to me about what kind of stories you want me to write!
> 
> MUCH LOVE


	7. Drunken Texts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The clock read 3:12 AM when Evan’s phone buzzed and woke him up. Evan groggily opened his eyes to look at his phone screen. Blinded by the bright light, he almost didn’t see who the text was from. He instantly woke up once it registered in his brain that Connor had texted him. He could feel the pizza that he’d eaten for dinner churn in his stomach. He contemplated throwing his phone out the window just so he wouldn’t have to read it. He took in a shaky breath as he slowly unlocked his phone. 
> 
> He nearly passed out at the message that was on the screen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! 1500 hits? Thank you so much! 
> 
> This chapter was a little hard to write, so I apologize if it's a bit messy! It's also really late so if it's really poorly edited I'll delete it and repost it.
> 
> Anyways, I really hope you enjoy this chapter! Read end notes for some questions!

It was Thursday, Evan hadn’t seen Connor since that Monday night.

Evan had called Jared after a while of laying in the grass. He immediately picked Evan up, putting a bunch of blankets and jackets around his shaking frame. He didn’t resist, he just let Jared fuss over him, asking a million questions that he didn’t hear. Jared talked to Evan the entire way back to his house, where he let Evan sleep in his bed. That next morning, Evan spilled the whole thing to him, telling him everything. At the end, Evan was biting back his emotions and Jared was giving Evan hugs and positive reinforcement. 

Connor was not at school that next day. Evan didn’t know if he was just skipping the classes to avoid him, but he didn’t see Connor. He didn’t see him the day after either, so he decided to ask Zoe where he was.

“Uh, hey Zoe?” Evan walked up to the brunette as she was packing up at the end of the day. She hauled her bag onto her back and turned around, slamming her locker shut in the process.

“Yeah Evan?” she said sweetly, giving him a warm smile. Evan still got nervous around her, but she constantly reminded Evan that they were friends.

“Um, have you seen Connor? I mean, like, is he okay?” Evan stammered. What if Zoe somehow knew about what happened?

“Uh, I don’t know? Aren’t you two in classes together?” Zoe leaned against her locker, giving Evan a very confused look. Evan bit his lip and looked down at his Skechers. 

“Well, he, um, hasn’t been at school, and I-I wanted to kn-know if he was, like, sick or anything?” 

“Oh my god, Connor’s been skipping school again,” Zoe was smiling now, pulling out her phone, “my parents are gonna have a fucking cow.” 

She started to walk away and Evan quickly grabbed her wrist, “Wait!” Zoe whipped around, clearly surprised. Evan retracted his hand and cleared his throat, “Um, please don’t tell your parents.”

“Why do you care?” 

Evan gulped and thought to himself, because your brother and I kissed and now he’s super mad at me and I don’t want him to stop being my friend. “Because he-he and I… we got into a fight and I wanted to make sure that he was okay so please don’t tell your parents and make him more mad at me please Zoe,” Evan babbled, pleading with Zoe. After he finished, she made a conflicted face, before drawing in a deep breath.

“Fine, I’ll ask him. I’ll let you know what he says.” Evan let out a breath and nodded, thanking Zoe as she walked off. Evan turned around, feeling a little light headed. Evan decided to walk home instead of hitching a ride with Jared. He was walking out of the school when a bunch of guys headed towards his direction. He recognized them as Connor’s teammates. Evan sucked in a breath when he heard on the boys yell “Hansen!”. Evan wanted to keep walking, he wanted to pretend like he didn’t hear them. But, his feet stopped and turned him around to face the group of seven or so boys. All of them towered over Evan, making his knees feel weak. 

“Where’s Murphy? Coach is pissed that he hasn’t been here, what the fuck is wrong with him?” A boy with black hair and a full beard asked. Evan’s vocal chords refused to work, forcing Evan to just stare and shrug. 

“You and him have been hanging out a lot, you have to know why he’s decided to ditch his team,” another boy said, pushing his way to the front and crossing his massive arms over his chest. Evan reflexively took a step back and shoved his hands into his pockets.

“I-I don’t know what’s wrong, I, uh, haven’t s-seen him since Monday…” Evan eventually said, gnawing his lip more fervently than before. The group of boys all mumbled to each other. 

Then, the black haired boy turned back to him, “Tell him to get his ass to practice, since you’re so close and shit.” The group walked away, leaving Evan to walk out the building. As he rushed away, he wiped the blood pooling on his lip.

\---

Evan was sitting in his living room, eating freezer burnt pizza. His mom had called him and told him she wouldn’t be home tonight, leaving Evan to be alone once more. That was what was nice about having Connor around, if Evan ever felt alone, he could always hang out with Connor. Sometimes, Connor would drop his plans with other people just so he could hang out with him.

God dammit, why did Evan have to fuck this up so badly?

After a while, Evan heard a ping from his phone. He choked on his spit when he saw that Zoe had texted him. He hurriedly opened the message.

It read, “Connor’s not at home, I texted him where he was and said that he was at a party. He must be feeling fine.”

Evan typed back, “Thank you.”

He got a reply instantly, “Talk to Connor if you’re having a fight. You’re the only friend of his that isn’t a fucking asshole. L8r.” Evan closed his eyes and threw his phone onto the cushions. 

Talking. Like that’s something Evan’s good at.

Evan grit his teeth and grabbed his phone again, clicking on the message thread between him and Connor. Evan typed out a long paragraph, apologizing for everything and letting all of his feelings come out. He talked about how much he liked Connor and how much he enjoyed kissing him. When he finished, he hovered over the ‘send’ button for a minute, before deleting the entire thing. He let out a frustrated sigh and typed out another message, before deleting that one. 

He typed out 3 more messages, which he ended up erasing. 

He set his phone down and put his head in his hands. Deciding to give up, Evan headed into his room to do some homework, trying to get his mind off of Connor for just a couple hours.

\---

The clock read 3:12 AM when Evan’s phone buzzed and woke him up. Evan groggily opened his eyes to look at his phone screen. Blinded by the bright light, he almost didn’t see who the text was from. He instantly woke up once it registered in his brain that Connor had texted him. He could feel the pizza that he’d eaten for dinner churn in his stomach. He contemplated throwing his phone out the window just so he wouldn’t have to read it. He took in a shaky breath as he slowly unlocked his phone. 

He nearly passed out at the message that was on the screen.

“Evan,,,, im srr y that i hve ben ignorin u”

A smile began to spread across Evan’s face as another message came through.

“Ur a rll y good kisser.. I like it a LoT”

Another message.

“Im nt gay tho”

Another one.

“But ur rlly cute tbh”

Evan giggled at the texts, but reality set in. 

Connor was drunk. He was drunk texting Evan. He didn’t actually feel like this, he was intoxicated and Evan was probably the first contact in Connor’s phone.

Making sure Connor was done, Evan typed out a response, “Thank you, but you’re drunk.”

A couple minutes went by, Evan feared that maybe he was driving and crashed, killing himself. His heart did a dip at the thought. But, soon a text came through.

“Im not thT drunk…. But stil evn if I wasnt i still fel the same way”

Evan shook his head, “Are you home?”

Almost immediately, “Yes, dont tel Zoe i drank”

“I won’t. Go to bed.”

Evan was about to close his phone when Connor sent one more text that made Evan’s heart fly out of his chest.

“I love u”

Evan didn’t know what to say, so he decided to just not respond. He closed his phone and sank back into his bed, trying to convince himself to not read too much into it.

He’s drunk, Evan tried telling himself. Yet, a sense of elation filled his entire being. I mean, drunk people always show their true feelings, right? That’s only in movies, though, right?

Another thing was that Evan didn’t know if he LOVED Connor. I mean, Evan liked him, a lot. That was true, but Evan wasn’t sure if Connor was something more than a high school crush.

Still, the fact that Connor felt anything at all made Evan giddy. 

Evan ended up falling asleep and dreaming of Connor.

\---

Evan entered the school with a pep in his step. He still tried to avoid Connor, he didn’t want Connor to be embarrassed about what he texted Evan. 

Also, Evan didn’t want Connor to tell him that all the things he texted him was just the liquor talking. 

Evan was somewhat dreading English, so when he walked in and saw that he was the first one, he decided to pick a seat that was the farthest away from Connor’s. Evan pulled out his book, pretending that he was reading, but he couldn’t focus. He kept looking up whenever someone walked into the room. Finally, as the bell rang, Connor entered. Evan quickly looked away as Connor looked in his direction. When Evan looked back up, Connor wasn’t in the classroom, and Evan’s heart sank a little bit. Of course, Connor couldn’t even stand to be in the same room as him. 

Evan really messed it up with Connor. He could not believe how incredibly dumb he was to kiss him. 

Evan felt his jaw start to hurt as he did his best to not cry. They were having silent working time, so Evan walked up to Mr. Pierce and asked to use the restroom.

As he walked to the bathroom, he tried calming himself down.

It’s okay, Evan, he told himself, Connor obviously likes you. He texted you and apologized and told you he liked you. He was drunk sure, but he was being honest he said. It’s going to work itself out.  
Evan pushed the door open for the bathroom. Inside the bathroom, he saw Connor.

And Madelyn. 

And he had his hand up her skirt and his mouth on hers. The two were moving in rhythm as they were shoving their tongues down each other’s throat. Evan stood there, his heart felt like it had stopped beating. After a couple seconds pass, the two noticed he was there. Connor looked immediately away, focusing way too intensely on the floor. 

Madelyn was smirking, raising her eyebrows at Evan, “Um, can you leave? We were in the middle of something.” Evan’s lip quivered as he turned on his heel and out the door. He heard the deadbolt lock behind him as he ran to another bathroom as quickly as possible. When he reached a free stall, he began to let every emotion he felt for the past few days came out. He leaned back against the stall, panting heavily, tears streaming down his red face. He shakily took out his phone from his back pocket. He typed a message to Jared, telling him it was a bad situation in the bathroom by Mr. Pierce’s room. He got a text back almost immediately reaffirming that he was on his way. Evan let tears fall readily as he sunk his head into knees. 

After a couple minutes, Evan heard footsteps run into the bathroom.

“Ev?” he heard. Evan reached up and unlocked the stall, falling over onto all fours. Evan was slightly dry heaving as Jared wrapped his arms around his shoulders, helping him up onto his feet. Evan had calmed down a little since Jared had got there, but he had still taken him to the nurse.

After Evan got his medicine and had laid down for a bit, he came back out to find that Jared was still waiting for him. Evan smiled a tired smile and walked out with Jared, giving the nurse a small thank you as they did. Evan gave him a quick rundown of everything that happened.

“You deserve better, Evan, a guy who will treat you right and not fuck around with your feelings like that,” Jared said as he dropped Evan off at his class.

Maybe I really do need someone better, Evan thought as he quietly listened to his teacher drone on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yikes! Drunk!Connor really let out his feelings there, huh? Also, I told you that our sweet friend Madelyn would be back. What did you think about the chapter? Why do you think Connor would text those things, do you think he meant it? Do you think Jared is right when he said Evan should find someone better? Comment your opinions!
> 
> MUCH LOVE!


	8. Jared and Connor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He didn’t want to believe it, but Connor Murphy had Evan Hansen wrapped around his stupid finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME! I am so so sorry, school has been so crazy, I haven't had time to write.
> 
> I don't want to get your hopes up about this chapter, it's a bit of a filler, and I'm a bit off my game. Nonetheless, I hope you enjoy it!

“FUCK OFF BITCH!” Jared yelled, mashing the buttons on his controller even harder than he already was. Evan watched, laughing whenever Jared would die because he would scream and throw his controller onto the ground. In between them was a box of half-eaten pizza and breadsticks. Jared picked up a random piece from the box and took a bite, wiping the grease onto his pants.

“Gross, get a napkin,” Evan said, twisting his face and throwing one onto his lap.

“No time for napkins,” Jared replied, his eyes fixed on the screen as he respawned for the last round. Evan sighed and flopped onto his back, grabbing Jared’s phone from beside him. Evan typed in the 4 digit passcode, which was easy to figure out since it was Jared’s birthday. He started scrolling though Jared’s apps, deciding to click onto Instagram. Evan didn’t have any social media, he just used Jared’s if he wanted to know something. As he was scrolling through his feed, he felt a jab in his stomach when pictures from tonight’s basketball game appeared. Evan scrunched up his nose-- Connor was in almost every single one of these pictures. Girls were posing with him, guys were complimenting his playing. 

It made Evan miserable. 

He groaned and threw Jared’s phone aside. Jared looked up from his game and raised an eyebrow at Evan. He looked down at his phone and saw what Evan saw. Sighing, Jared turned off his game in the middle of a campaign and went over to Evan, grabbing him by the arm and pulling him up. Evan, startled by the quick action, launched forward and slammed into him. Jared wrapped his arms around Evan to prevent them both from tumbling over. The two stood there for a moment, bodies touching, Jared’s arms around Evan. 

But, just as soon as it happened, it was over.

Evan stepped away from Jared and gave him a weak and playful shove, “Why’d you do that?”

Jared didn’t answer for a second, seeming zoned out. Snapping to attention, Jared shoved him back, “Because I don’t want you moping around like someone just killed your dog! He’s just a stupid boy, Evan.”

Evan looked down and bit his lip, a little embarrassed that he was getting so upset. Jared touched his shoulder and Evan looked back up, giving him a half-smile, “Yeah, you’re right.” Jared grinned wrapping his arms around his shoulder and walking them to the door. 

“So, now it’s time to take your mind off of everything. Meaning, we are going to 7/11 and getting a bunch of shitty food and we’re going to come back and eat all of it.” Jared said, grabbing his keys and shoes. Evan quickly shoved on his shoes and smiled, following Jared out the door to his car.

\---

Evan ended up spending the entire weekend with Jared. They did a bunch of stuff to make Evan feel better. They watched movies, took walks, bought food, did homework, anything to take his mind off Connor. But, all too quickly, Monday had arrived.

Everything went fine, he went through his day, avoiding Connor the best he could and talking to Jared whenever he wasn’t doing work. It was shaping out to be a good day.

Then lunch arrived.

And it went fine. Jared and Evan sat at their usual table by themselves, talking and eating.

That is, until Connor decided to sit with them.

Evan’s eyes darted from Connor to Jared back to Connor. Jared looked irritated, his hand gripping his sandwich a little too tightly. The three sat there in awkward silence before Connor cleared his throat.

“Hey Ev… I, um, didn’t see you at the game Friday… And, um, you said you were going to be there…” Connor trailed off, his eyes slowly moving from Evan’s to the table. Evan was a little shocked, he hadn’t expected Connor to talk to him again. And to just randomly come up to him during lunch and ask about his attendance to his basketball game was, well, odd.

“Um, y-yeah sorry about that, I just, um, got a little busy,” Evan replied, his eyes flickering over to Jared, who was obviously getting even more annoyed.

“Oh, yeah I get that. I just wanted to make sure you’re okay, you know?” Connor said, giving Evan a small smile. Evan returned the smile, his heart skipping a beat at the fact Connor showed that he still cared about Evan. 

But, Evan’s happy thought disappeared when Jared made an audible scoffing noise. Evan glanced over at Jared, who was picking at his food, his mouth turned into a scowl. Connor must have caught on because his head snapped from Evan to Jared’s, his brows furrowing.

“You have a problem, Kleinman?” Connor leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms.

“Jared-” Evan started but was interrupted.

“You’re a dick, Murphy. Evan doesn’t want to be around you.”

Connor pushed his tongue against his cheeks and shifted his weight so he was leaning forward onto the table, arms still crossed, “Don’t act like you’re some sort of angel, you’re no better than me, asshole.” Jared was shocked by this statement, he didn’t respond, just sat there staring at Connor. Evan could feel the hatred burning off of the two boys. This felt like some weird, messed up high school movie where the two boys fight over one girl.

Evan didn’t really like that he was the girl. 

Connor looked over to Evan, mumbling, “I’ll text you about the project.” He got up, shooting one last fiery glare at Jared, before walking away. Evan gulped hard before picking up his bag.

“Ev, where are you going?” Jared said, exasperated. He started reaching for his bag too when Evan stopped him.

“No, please, I just want to be alone right now.” Jared looked reluctant, before setting his bag down and sitting back into his seat. He nodded and Evan took that as his cue and walked off toward his next class. He’d be early but he didn’t care, he just felt like he was suffocating under all that tension in the lunchroom. He almost made it to the classroom, but, much to his despair, he heard quick footsteps behind him, getting closer and closer to him.

“Evan! Wait!” he heard. Evan’s feet stopped and he didn’t need to turn around to know who it was. Connor appeared beside him and Evan’s throat started to close up.

“Connor please, I just want to be alone,” Evan sighed, tired of everything at the moment. Evan just wanted to be by himself for once. He couldn’t deal with all the emotions that buzzing through his head.

“Please hear me out? I’m sorry, Evan. I’m really sorry.” Evan bit his lip and let his head fall forward into his hands.

“It’s fine Connor, seriously. But, I just… I think we should just focus on the project for now.” Evan said, rubbing the back of his neck. Evan glanced at Connor and he could tell that he was hoping for a different answer. 

“Can-Can I please just, explain? I know I fucked up and I’m so sorry,” Connor said, but Evan was so tired, he just shook his head.

“Can we talk about this later, Connor?” 

Connor nodded, and then grabbed Evan’s forearm gently, “Will you please come over Wednesday then, so I can explain.”

Evan closed his eyes and sighed, “I don’t think that’s a good idea…”

Connor pleaded with him, “Please? I’ll clear everything up, I swear. And, we still have to work on our project.”

Our project is nearly finished, and isn’t due for another six weeks, Evan thought.

But with those eyes. Those stupid, beautiful brown eyes, Evan really couldn’t say no to him.

“Fine,” Evan croaked out, his throat suddenly sore, “I’ll go.” Connor’s face lit up into a smile.

“Cool, I’ll meet you by my car after school on Wednesday,” Connor said, “my mom is making dinner, so be prepared for gross gluten-free food.”

Evan’s head spun. Dinner? With his family? After EVERYTHING that happened? “Don’t you have practice?” he asked, hoping Connor had forgotten and would cancel the plans because Evan really could not handle dinner with his family.

“I can skip one day.” he shrugged. With that, Connor turned around, giving Evan one last wave, before heading in the opposite direction. Evan weakly waved back before condemning himself.

Why did you say yes, Evan? He wanted to rip out his heart for being so soft. Evan grinded his teeth together before heading into his class, mentally kicking himself over and over for being so weak-willed.

He thought about how poorly the dinner is going to end. He thought he had gotten over his inane crush on Conor. That he could FINALLY look him in the eyes and not completely melt into the palm of his hand. He thought that he could finally not cry about the fact that Connor Murphy probably hated his guts.

He didn’t want to believe it, but Connor Murphy had Evan Hansen wrapped around his stupid finger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, a little confrontation, no? Do you think Jared was in the right to call out Connor? What do you think is going to happen at the dinner? Sorry for the boring chapter, and so sorry for not updating! I will try to write more, but school is definitely keeping me busy.
> 
> Also! I am starting my Newsies fanfiction soon!! But, of course, this story takes priority over that, so don't worry! 
> 
> MUCH LOVE!!


	9. Unexpected Visit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan’s head was reeling with thoughts. But, he knew that if he wanted to get over this, to just get through high school without spending all of his time following Connor Murphy around like a puppy dog, he would have to sever himself.
> 
> “You’re right… You’re right, Jared.” Evan finally said after a beat, “I’ll cancel on him. Tell him I can’t do it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK, BACK AGAIN! 
> 
> I sincerely apologize for my absence!! However, these past couple of months have been rough for me and I have had no time to do anything! I hope you can forgive me for taking some time for myself.
> 
> A quick note about this chapter: it isn't may favorite chapter, but I hope you enjoy it! I want to thank AO3 user and new friend DearEvanHansen (dearevanhansenfansen on tumblr) for helping me out with some ideas for the fic! Not only is she an amazing write and avid reader, she's also an awesome person! Go check her out!
> 
> Anyways, sorry for the long note and my absence, but I hope you enjoy the chapter! Read end notes for some questions!

“Evan!” Jared yelled a little too loudly, instigating a resounding shush from the people around them in the library. He sneered at them before turning his attention back to Evan, who had told Jared what his plans were for Wednesday night.

“I know, alright?” Evan sighed, leaning forward so his face was buried under his arms. His arms were yanked out from under him by Jared, who was getting visibly flustered.

“I thought we talked about this! You don’t want to be friends with him, he sucks!” Evan groaned and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his tired eyes.

“He-He’s going to explain…” Jared shot him a look of panic and Evan reassured, “I’m not saying I’m going to forgive him! But… I want an explanation, Jared.”

Jared shook his head, “He’s going to manipulate you into feeling bad for him, Ev. He’s going to make you feel sorry for him and then you’re going to feel obligated to be his friend again.” Evan’s stomach twisted, he’s so conflicted. He wants Connor to have a really good reason for putting him through that so he can forgive him and be his friend again, but on the other hand, he wants to say ‘screw him’ and live his life as though Connor never even entered it. Jared wanted that for him too.

Evan’s head was reeling with thoughts. But, he knew that if he wanted to get over this, to just get through high school without spending all of his time following Connor Murphy around like a puppy dog, he would have to sever himself.

“You’re right… You’re right, Jared.” Evan finally said after a beat, “I’ll cancel on him. Tell him I can’t do it.”

A grin spread across Jared’s face as he snaked an arm around Evan’s shoulders, giving them a slight squeeze, “‘Atta boy, when are you going to do it? English?” 

Evan shook his head, “No, no. I’ll do it,” he paused. He didn’t really want to tell Connor, but he would have to, “I’ll tell him later.” Jared turned to face Evan, a look of concern etched into his face.

“Ev, you’re not gonna back out are you?” 

Evan shook his head once more, “No! O-of course not. I’m, um, I’ll do it after school. I’ll text him.” Jared’s grin was back once more and he gave Evan a quick high five.

“Cool bro, I’m proud of you. I gotta go, but I’ll see you later, okay?” he said as he walked through the door. Calling back, he added, “I’m going to text you to make sure that you texted him!”

Evan meekly yelled back, “Okay…” He sighed as he slowly packed up his bag. How was he going to tell Connor that he couldn’t make it? Lie? No, he would try to reschedule it. But, he didn’t want to say something like, “Hey, can’t make it Wednesday because I hate you and you kicked me out of your house at midnight because we kissed and then disappeared for five days and I thought you were dead or something.” 

That doesn’t sound like the right thing to say.

Evan took a deep breath, his lungs aching at the inhalation, and started walking to class, still going over what to say to Connor as the day went on.

\---

The bell rattled Evan’s brain as it signaled the end of the school day. Evan packed up slowly, trying to put off the task that he knew he was going to have to complete eventually. He took out his phone and grimaced at the text from Jared, encouraging him to text Connor as soon as possible. As Evan walked out of the school, he hovered over Connor’s texting thread. He clicked on it after a minute and decided to rip off the band-aid and text him without thinking. 

“Hi Connor. I can’t make it to dinner on Wednesday. Sorry.” after he sent it, he turned off his phone and rushed out of the building. He didn’t want to deal with the embarrassment that was most definitely going to ensue from it. Jared had offered to give Evan a ride that day, so the two got in his car and went over to Evan’s house. 

Evan’s mom had left pizza money, since she wasn’t going to be home again that night. Jared ordered their usual cheese pizza and plopped onto Evan’s bed as he did homework. The two sat there in silence, Jared playing his phone and Evan finishing up his math. It was nice, the two didn’t need to be constantly talking, they could just sit in silence without feeling awkward. 

The doorbell rang, breaking the silence. Evan looked up at Jared, who sighed and said, “It’s probably some fucking salesperson.” He nodded and the two sat there for a second to wait for the supposed salesperson to leave. The two thought they were gone, but the doorbell rang again, followed by frantic knocking. Evan was getting a little nervous now, and he frantically looked at Jared.

“It’s okay, Ev. I’ll go tell them to fuck off. Wait here,” Jared said, getting up from the bed. Evan sank back into his bed, waiting for Jared to come back. 

All of a sudden, Evan hear Jared exclaim, “What the fuck are you doing here?” Evan heard a muffled voice say something back and Evan decided to go check out what was going on. As he rounded the corner to see who was at the door, he stopped in his tracks.

Connor was standing at his door.

Connor looked up and saw Evan, and he smiled, “I-I just wanted to make sure you were okay, after the text you sent me. It, um, it didn’t seem like you…”

Evan nodded, his voice breaking a little as he spoke, “Yeah, I-I’m fine, Connor. Thank you.”

Connor nodded and Jared rolled his eyes, “Are you some kind of fucking stalker or something? Jesus.” 

Oh god, Evan thought, this can’t be happening right now.

“Jared!” Evan hissed. The boy ignored him.

Connor looked sharply at Jared, a look of shock and anger etching into his face, “I’m sorry that I actually care about my friends.”

Jared snorted, “Yeah, you really care. You’ve just been an awesome fucking friend haven’t you?” The sarcasm was so thick Evan could taste it.

Connor stepped forward, towering over Jared, “I never claimed to be the best fucking friend in the world, but I do fucking care, and don’t you dare say that I don’t,” he said, shoving Jared backwards. 

“Connor!” Evan exclaimed.

Jared recovered from the push and stepped forwards again, trying to get in Connor’s face, “You don’t give a fucking shit about Evan! You’re a manipulative fucking asshole who-” Jared didn’t get to finish his sentence because Evan had grabbed his arm and yanked him backwards, away from a seething Connor. Shocked, Jared stumbled, almost falling over. Evan was not only embarrassed by the two’s actions, but he was extremely angered.

“Jared, leave. Now.” Evan whispered, the venom in his voice making Jared retreat back to Evan’s room. Evan turned to Connor, the fury on his face immediately dissipating. 

“Ev, I didn’t mean to-” Connor started.

“Don’t. Please, just leave. I-I need space,” Evan basically pleaded with Connor, his body shaking from a mixture of anxiety and angered. Connor was about to start saying something when Evan moved past him and opened the door, looking down at his feet and praying that Connor got the message. Connor nodded and walked out the door, muttering one last apology before leaving. Evan closed the door behind him and rested his forehead against it and breathed heavily, trying to steady his shaky legs. He heard footsteps come up behind him and a hand landed on his arm gently. He immediately shrugged it off and whipped around to see a surprised Jared.

“Evan…”

“I need you to leave Jared,” Evan said, pathetically choking back tears. Jared gave him a confused look, reaching out for Evan’s arm again.

“Evan, I’m sorry, but I was just protecting you…”

Evan jerked away from Jared, “I don’t NEED your protection, Jared. I just NEED you to leave me alone.”

Jared set his jaw and nodded, obviously annoyed. Without a word, he quickly went to Evan’s room and grabbed his things, throwing on his shoes and jacket. He didn’t even spare Evan one last glance before slamming the front door shut, rattling the frame. Evan sunk down onto his couch and pulled his knees up to his chest, trying to make himself as small as he can. Closing his eyes,, he tried forgetting about the world, letting all of his emotions roll down his face with the tears falling out of his eyes.

\---

He must’ve fallen asleep like that because when he opened his eyes he was no longer in the fetal position and the couch was folded out. There was a blanket on top of him and a pillow under his head. It was dark outside and he checked his phone, the bright light hurting his eyes.

1:28 AM.

No texts from Jared. No texts from Connor. 

One voicemail from his mom.

He clicked on it and put the phone up to his ear.

“Hi sweetie,” his mom’s voice crackled through the phone. A wave of calm washed over Evan at hearing her voice, “I saw you sleeping and I didn’t want to wake you up so I tried making you more comfortable. Since I won’t see you tomorrow morning, I just wanted to let you know that Taco Tuesday is tomorrow,” Evan smiled, excited that his mom would be home.

“I love you, Ev.” 

The message ended.

Evan closed his phone and made his way to his bedroom, where he tucked himself into his bed. 

He listened to his mom’s voicemail again, her soothing words lulling him to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YIKES! Another Jared and Connor confrontation! What do you think Evan is going to do about them? What do you want him to do? How did you like the chapter? Leave your predictions in the comments! 
> 
> SO HAPPY TO BE BACK!
> 
> MUCH LOVE!!

**Author's Note:**

> How did you like it? How are you liking the characters? Am I doing good with description? I have a lot of ideas for this story so, please, let me know how I am doing! Leave (constructive) critiques if you have any!
> 
> MUCH LOVE!


End file.
